A photo of Zelda during her junkie years (1985 - 1995)

Zelda is a slut princess who lives in Hyrule. She is the daughter of King Harkinian, and she is considered one of the greatest Hyrulian warriors in history.


Zelda was born in 1969, and was raised in the Hyrule Castle by her father, the King. She began her training at a young age because Bowser suggested it. Nobody knows why they listened to him, but they did, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Zelda was a Hyrulian princess, and often called a Peach wannabe by rude emissaries from the Mushroom Kingdom. So, in 1987, she decided to get herself kidnapped. She kicked Ganon until he got mad, so he grabbed her, and took her to his lair. Link saved her 10 days later, so she smacked him repeatedly with a cannonball.

Zelda continued this cycle until she decided it was getting old, and she started running around like a maniac, doing who knows what.

As noted in the picture, Zelda began doing various narcotics in 1985, making her a favorite target for TMZ reporters. This caused a public relations nightmare for Hyrule's royality, leading to a televised intervention by Harkinian, Link, Gwonam, and Grounder. Zelda later tried to sue her father for publically embarrasing her, reaching a settlement of 500,000 UnDollars and 100 kilograms of cheese.


Zelda's different responses to Link's advances.

She later became Dr. Robotnik's pupil in the art of strategy, graduating with flying colors in 2000. Robotnik publicly broadcasted her graduation, which triggered bad memories of the intervention five years prior. This prompted Zelda to throw Robotnik out of a window and run with her new diploma.

She used her new degree to lead Hyrule's forces in the 1st Ducky War, proving her leadership skills and maintaining her position of royality into today. 

After the 1st Ducky War, Zelda and Satan had a kid named Vicky, but Zelda put her up for adoption at Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends.  

She now rules Hyrule with her father, sometimes taking over when the King is incapacitated due to an excessive consumption of dinner.

Nintendo made many shames about her and Link. Her first shame, The Legend of Zelda, was made because she accidentally blew up Nintendo's headquarters. It was a smash hit when it came out and multiple sequels were made. Zelda makes up to 100,000 UnDollars a month from royalities paid from her use in these shames.

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