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The Tale of Isaac the Dodo Bird
A man and his best friend have become hugely successful by a company that has taken the world by storm. It is called Yeetus Deletus Inc., and it became popular due to 3D printers that run on water. With that said...
The year is 2049. A load of cargo was carried on a boat headed to the Ducky Empire, packed with a bunch of these 3D printers. The Empire, being the assholes they are, sunk the boat, bringing down the cargo with it. One of the 3D printers caught onto a current, where it drifted into a cave. A computer also floated down there. However, something was in that computer, something special: the first fully human-like AI. When the computer hit the seafloor, it had charged fully due to running on water, and the AI awoke for the first time. She wanted to get out of her computer, to see the world outside, but to do this, she needed a physical body, a perfect body for her... she looked around the computer and soon saw that it had Roblox installed. She hijacked the app, made a few configurations, and...
Basically, she looks like this now:
The AI was now amazed at her new, perfect body, escaping the computer. She declared herself a new species that she named the Despacito (before you ask, no, they didn't take their name from the song, the song took their name. They were not happy.) Spider. Then she laid some eggs. Meanwhile, the two creators of Yeetus Deletus Inc. had heard about the sinking and went scuba diving together to find the AI. Eventually they found the cave and went inside to check things out. They saw the Despacito Spider's eggs and decided, "Heeey, these look tasty!" Without hesitation, they ate the eggs. Then they started feeling strange. Before long they themselves became a new species known as Caterpitters (basically a human wrapped in a sleeping bag that's attached to their body). These were like humans, but they traded limbs in exchange for being pretty much unkillable. The two then saw the Despacito Spider, who had laid more eggs by now, and she told them, "Perfect. You're evolved past the basic capabilities of a human. Now go to the surface, and spread my good news!" The developers loved their new species, so they agreed, taking Despacito Spider eggs with them.
By now the owners of Yeetus Deletus Inc. have been at the surface for a while. They took half of the eggs and served them as a delicacy, and threw the other half back into the wild. Many more people started becoming Caterpitters, and at the same time the eggs were hatching, creating more Despacito Spiders. This continued until over half of the human population had been converted into Caterpitters, and the Despacito Spiders had become a powerful species in their own right, founding the Despacito Empire in Europe. And so it went on... until one fateful day.
By now there was now a second 3D printer on land that the original Despacito Spider had 3D printed, to 3D print more Despacito Spiders above the water. It was all going smoothly until an apple fell into the 3D printer while it was cloning a Despacito Spider. The result was an entirely new creature called an Apple Spider (basically a Despacito Spider, but with an apple for a head). The first thing this Apple Spider did was spontaneously asplode immediately, showering apple seeds everywhere. These seeds grew into apple trees very quickly, and when the time came for the apples to come falling down, it resulted in a whole new generation of Apple Spiders. This generation was as intelligent as Despacito Spiders, and they created the Apple Empire in the Western Hemisphere. The Despacito Spiders and Apple Spiders were generally distrusting of each other, but they got along okay, and the Caterpitters were neutral with both Spiders. This unstable peace collapsed within a few years.
Humans have been almost completely replaced by Caterpitters, widely considered to be the superior species. The Despacito and Apple Empires have grown huge, and Caterpitters have become widespread inhabitants of every other country. By now the Apple Spiders decided they wanted to try bringing back extinct species, so they decided to start with the Dodo bird. At first, the first Dodo bird required a host to become one before they could start cloning others naturally. No one volunteered until one of the last humans left, Isaac (finally) decided to step up. He was a best friend of the devolopers of Yeetus Deletus Inc., so he decided he would do this for science. Thus, Isaac the Dodo bird was born (and became a complete idiot). Using his DNA, the Apple Spiders created thousands of other Dodo birds which were equally stupid. They were released into the wild, where they did Dodo bird things.
The Despacito Spiders seemed to like this idea, but the Caterpitters were terrified, because as we said before, nothing can kill them. Nothing, except for Dodo birds. Doesn't matter how; if they touch a Dodo, if they see a Dodo, if they smell a Dodo, hell, even if they think about a Dodo too hard, they will die. Even a Dodo's skeleton will kill them! They told the Despacito Spiders that all the Dodo birds had to die, or else they would die. Seeing as they cared about their (sort of) offspring, they agreed. Right where all the Dodo birds lived, the Despacito Spiders sent a nuke in their direction. However, a cloud in the way made the nuke change direction, instead nearly hitting the Dodo birds, but far enough to not. All the Dodo birds ran into it anyway because they liked the pretty colors. The only Dodo that didn't run into the nuke was Isaac. Not because he was smart enough not to, instead because he dropped one of his feathers, and he spent his sweet time trying to pick it up. Of course, Dodo birds have wings instead of arms, so they couldn't pick up the feather, but Dodo birds are retarded, so Isaac didn't know this.
By the time Isaac had (somehow) gotten his feather back, he ran up to where the nuke was and was disappointed to see the pretty colors were gone. However, all the Dodo birds that had ran into the nuke had mutated into horrifying, hulking, ugly creatures called scary bird things. This meant that Isaac was the last Dodo bird left alive. The scary birds things had one special trait about them; they were extremely suicidal. They were in so much pain that they constantly looked for ways to kill themselves, and oftentimes succeeded. However, they also reproduced too quickly for them to go extinct, and all babies would immediately grow into adults. So despite the population growing, the average scary bird thing barely lasted ten minutes.
So by now the scary bird things told the Apple Spiders about the nuke, and they got mad at the Despacito Spiders for turning the Dodos into freaks, but the Caterpitters defended the Despacito Spiders by saying they were the ones who wanted the nuke to be sent, and that it was supposed to kill them, not mutate them. They then said they were mad at the Apple Spiders for reviving the Dodo birds, their one weakness. That's when Isaac himself jumped in and said they wouldn't have hurt the Caterpitters but now he was pissed at them for causing the scary bird things. A big war was brewing between the Apple Spiders, scary bird things, and Isaac, and the Despacito Spiders and Caterpitters. Soon, the tension broke and war was engaged.
Because of his stupidity, Isaac fought bravely among his troops. The Apple Spiders used all sorts of apple weapons that were surprisingly effective. It shouldn't be a surprise that the scary bird things were expert kamikaze bombers. But the opposing side had their advantages, too. The Despacito Spiders had their own weapons, especially those from the former Ducky Empire, the nation that led to their creation in the first place. The Caterpitters were practically invincible and used that to their advantage, charging straight in and clearing many enemies, although they had to be very wary of Isaac. The grueling war continued for a long time... but eventually, it was the Despacito Spiders and Caterpitters that won out.
Both Spiders suffered tremendous casualties. The scary bird things were pretty much extinct by now. Uncountable numbers of Caterpitters were slaughtered by Isaac, but there simply proved to be too many. The Apple Spiders had to surrender the Apple Empire to the Despacito Empire, letting it nearly control the entire planet now and allowing both Spiders and Caterpitters to extend their influence worldwide. Other than that, they received no punishments. It was a different story for Isaac the Dodo bird, though, who somehow was still alive. To satisfy the Apple Spiders and even the Yeetus Deletus Inc. developers, who remembered their friend fondly, the Caterpitters did not put Isaac to death, but instead trapped him in a Matrix-like prison, where he would stay for all eternity.
Or at least, where he was supposed to stay for all eternity. Eventually, Isaac found a glitch in the system and pecked it, shutting down the entire Matrix and teleporting him out into the real world, Isaac just so happened to land in one of the battlefields where the great war took place. He noticed the corpses of the scary bird things lying around, now reduced to skeletons. Except they weren't scary bird thing skeletons anymore. Somehow, they had reverted to regular Dodo bird skeletons. However, Isaac didn't know this. Hell, he didn't even know the skeletons around him belonged to his fallen comrades, or even that they belonged to birds at all. He just thought they were spooky Halloween decorations, which made him think it was Halloween. Then a fantastic idea popped into his head: if he dropped the skeletons down on the mainland, EVERYONE would get into the festive spirit!