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What exactly is the function of a Rubber Duck?

Arthur Weasley

Rubber ducks are the best objects ever, as they have the Power of D.U.C.K. (which outclasses NEO x 100,000). Several types of rubber ducks exist, the most famous being Quacky, Chuck Norris' Rubber Duck. Rubber ducks are currently being lead by a rubber duck with a military uniform called Captain Duckypants, because he wanted to "Liberate all rubber ducks from oppression" and "reduce sufferage" as well as "expand our God-given liberties".

War[]

Attempt at World Domination[]

Rubber ducks have, just like Ducky, tried to take over the world. The first time, they hilariously failed, because they had no arms. They had to use humans to do it, but the humans were too lazy. Result: 10,000 ducks were killed. The second time, they used a smarter tactic. They used Cloning Machines to make 1,000,000 rubber ducks, and began storming Raccoon City. They failed, because Raccoon City is still there.

War on Kids[]

Due to the humorous and pitiful failure of their attempts to achieve World Domination and power above everyone else in the UnWorld, the rubber ducks decided that, if they wanted to get anywhere, they were going to need to start smaller. Certain higher-up ducks were particularly seething with rage towards the human race due to their inability to aid them with their plans. Eventually, a plan was devised that, instead of killing humans in a very obvious way, they would take advantage of their limitations and enact a war on all kids to doom the future of humanity.

The rubber ducks rebranded themselves as a fun toy for kids in the bathtub that could do no harm against humanity, with the help of lots of big companies to start selling rubber ducks around the world. Even Ernie got in on the propaganda, and that's when you know it's bad. The rubber ducks would bide their time and remain with this non-lethal nature until it was their time to strike. Picture this: some stupid, idiotic kid is taking a bubble bath that their sweet mother made for them before leaving them unattended as they went to go watch Pretty Little Liars or something. They're playing with a rubber duck, making it swim around in the water. Now, what do kids do when they have a plastic toy in their hand? They put it in their mouth, because they're disgusting, little brats! It's at that moment that the rubber ducks seize their opportunity and cause... A CHOKING HAZARD!

However this plan failed regardless. Only like 2 kids died as a result of this. To this day, kids are still thriving, the human race in general is doing... okay, I suppose, and rubber ducks have now been cemented as a random object of pop culture and not the harbingers of total destruction and World Domination that they wanted to be. Sucks to be a duck!

War on Gnomes[]

As a result of their two previous failed attempts at thwarting the human race, the irritable legion of rubber ducks decided that they needed to aim even smaller to make an impact on the world, which could eventually lead to them seizing World Domination at last. Captain Duckypants had an idea when one of his higher-up soldiers was looking out of the window he was arched near in some random family's bathroom. When they had all managed to re-coup after their losses trying to stop all kids, said higher-up soldier described a short-looking fellow stood completely still that he spotted when overlooking the garden. Now to us, we know that as a Gnome, but to the rubber ducks, it was an enemy, which could be taken on. And so, they began devising plans to wipe all gnomes off the map.

However, since these are rubber ducks we're talking about, an army so plentiful in number but so incompetent in action, there were bound to be mistakes and hiccups made within such an operation. To start, miscommunication plagued the war efforts. Duckypants ordered for all rubber ducks to find and eliminate gnomes, but some had misunderstood and started going after "Gn'elves". They had truly been gnomed!. A rag-tag band of rubber ducks had quite literally hopped on a boat to the North Pole for a battle against Santa Claus and his elves. However, upon arriving at the North Pole, cursing out expletives and threats, they were all immediately taken hostage by the Elves for questioning. After an arduous interrogation session where the ducks refused to answer any questions about who sent them, Santa tortured them and packaged them up as presents for next year's Christmas. So just remember, next time you get a present from ol' Santa and it's some sort of figure, plushie or whatever, that could very well be some sort of taxidermy corpse of a character that got on the wrong side of Santa!

Anyways, back to the ducks that had gotten the memo correct. For the ones that did get it, this war was undoubtedly their most successful yet. With coordinated assassinations, several gnomes typically located in gardens across the world had been reduced to scattered piles of rubble. The methods of assassination had varied, but the most common derived from their previous war as a household object in bathrooms. What do you usually find in gardens? Hoses. The rubber ducks would rally together, fire up a hose, and when the gnome was least expecting it, they'd spray him down with water, slowly eroding him and making him fall apart. Gnomes probably shouldn't break that easy, but we suppose their sheer fear of sudden cold water probably had an effect in it. They cracked under the pressure!

However, gnomes aren't stupid creatures either. They had taken notice of these barbaric acts and decided to plan out a counter-attack. They wrote out a declaration of a proper battle to the rubber ducks, located in a nearby park. The gnomes stated that this was the ducks' opportunity to 'fight this out like men'. However, the ducks ignored such a proposal, as they did not want to fight like men, as that was the very thing they sought to destroy. Either way, Duckypants sent his army out to the site of battle, as did the Gnomes. Eventually, the battle commenced. Each side fought valiantly and with all their power. However, it was clear that the Gnomes would take the victory as they were simply more equipped. Coming from the garden, they used all sorts of gardening tools like rakes, shovels and even one of those miniature fan things that blow with the wind. Not to mention that one of the most common weapons used against the gnomes, AKA the hose, was not applicable in this setting. In the grand scheme of things, it seemed like the ducks were going to win for a majority of it. That was until the battle came to a grand spectacle when a gang of Gnomes steamrolled a rubber duck defence in a wheelbarrow. By the end of it, the rubber ducks were beaten and the gnomes reigned victorious. They had failed to take out yet another species resemblant of the human race. They had to think even smaller.

War on Toy Soldiers[]

By this point, the entire legion of rubber ducks had grown utterly defeated. Their motivation towards World Domination was beginning to wane as a result of their previous loss against the gnomes. Due to this, the small but somewhat hearty rubber duck society entered a sort of dark age for a handful of years where nothing really interesting happened. I mean, the same can be said about real life: nothing ever happens, until it seems like something's going to happen, but then it doesn't happen, and then the world returns to the status quo of nothing ever happening. But for crying out loud, this is the UnWorld, the same world where Chuck Norris is almighty and Thomas the Tank Engine is made out of the same material Nokia phones are made with. Something interesting had to happen!

Well, after a solid five years of staggering inactivity, Captain Duckypants decided to look over his old battle plans and it was at this moment that he remembered the connections they had with toy stores like Toys R'Us. Maybe, they could face off against another toy to make things even and with the right strategizing, once and for all, they could take a victory. It was a eureka moment, but since these are ducks we're talking about, it was more like a euQUACKa moment.

At that moment, he rushed to an old barracks located at the central rubber duck base of operations where many of his old duck soldiers were resting; after all, they really had nowhere else to go. He attempted to rally them up for another war with a speech, but they were all either too demotivated, or had gotten themselves hooked on endeavours more fruitful than starting pointless wars. This was evident by one of Duckypants' first sights upon arriving at the barracks being two rubber ducks playing the recently released "Obey Wario, Destroy Mario!". Famously, he knocked the Nintendo DS out of their hands, exclaiming "There is no time for shames!". Bro really thought he was that guy. All this did was piss his army off and make them less excited to work with him. It was evident he'd have to handle this next war on his own.

Captain Duckypants planned to hop to the nearest Toys R'Us all by himself. If he was going to have nobody to command to win the war, he was going to do it himself. At this point, the wars were hardly wars, and more just short battles. Either way, his plan to get to Toys R'Us as fast as possible was to watch cars drive past and try find one that could possibly be headed to the aforementioned store, or at least pass by it. He would hop onto the bumper of said car, clinging on with his beak. Sounds like a good plan, right? Well, in practice it was a hopelessly arduous process. He constantly injured himself, narrowly avoided a death by vehicular duckslaughter, as well as basically every other way you can imagine this plan blowing up in his face. However, every cloud has a silver lining, as eventually a fat, tubby-looking kid would spot Duckypants abandoned on the side of the road. Now, this kid was pretty stupid and could be an easy kill, but Duckypants left his war on kids in the past due to how unsuccessful it was. The kid, in his infinite wisdom, shouted "FUNNY DUCK", as he picked him up and YEETed him at full force in a random direction. Luckily enough for Duckypants, he would end up at the entrance of a Toys R'Us by complete luck! As for that kid? He would grow up to be known as Dave Blunts.

After a spending a night stashed inside a garbage bin to regain his energy for the upcoming battle (and narrowly avoiding being taken away by a garbage truck later), he walked into Toys R'Us bright and early to avoid meddling customers. That was when he saw a display selling some new brand of rubber ducks that were all decorated in different ways. Turns out this had been one of the things put into production during the dark ages of the rubber duck society. Duckypants was hardly thrilled, but waddled over out of curiosity. He attempted to climb the display to perhaps communicate with the rubber ducks, but a majority of them were uncommunicative, not even responding to him. To make matters worse, the few that could speak only knew Chinese. These guys were mass produced!

However, as Duckypants turned around, he saw a display nearby for a bunch of little plastic toy soldiers, kind of like the ones from the Toy Story series. They had recognised Duckypants off of his military outfit, and shouted out "We ain't scared of you!". However, these toy soldiers had no idea who they were messing with, or the lengths they would go to. Duckypants shouted back, and after a brief succession of exchanging insults, Duckypants jumped over to the display, ready to fight them. This fight was an exhausting one, one that lasted for the entire time the Toys R'Us was open. This is because the army of toy soldiers was surprisingly incompetent. As it turns out, they don't get their skill until a kid plays with them. Not only does the kid have fun, but the toy soldiers learn how to be good soldiers too. Anyway, many customers came past, simply assuming that the display of the ducks fighting the toy soldiers was on purpose, animated with animatronics and effects and what have you.

The battle came to a climactic end when Duckypants knocked the last soldier off of the display, jumping down himself to ensure he was squished to a pulp. He celebrated, taking his win for thwarting at least a minor wave of the toy soldiers. Little did he know the domino chain of events he would cause. During his tremendous fall to the ground in attempts to crush the last survivor of the toy soldiers on display, he had accidentally knocked a display cabinet which was barely holding up, causing it to fall over. It was displaying plenty of boxes of toy soldiers which all spilled out onto the floor on impact, and upon further inspection, yes, they were as dead as a doorknob! To make things even crazier, an underpaid Toys R'Us employee came by to fix up the "mess on aisle 5" which was more like a bloodied battlefield, only to slip on all the toy soldiers, break their back and DIE. Not only did Captain Duckypants effectively wipe out the entirety of toy soldiers located in that Toys R' Us, but he had also been the first rubber duck to ever kill an adult human! He was a hero!

Now, we can only hope that those toy soldiers weren't just repackaged and sold again, because all the kids that got those would be playing with corpses.


Gallery[]

Trivia[]

  • They are not to be confused with "Rubber Dicks", otherwise known as Dildos, otherwise known as Squidward Tentacles' nose.
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