The accursed Poopenfartenwagen
The Battlepass M, or Panzer M, or Poopenfartenwagen is a German Panzerwagen that was made during the Third World War. Designed by Der Führerin herself, it is obviously the bestest tanking thing there was, according to World War II standards.
The fact that this thing was actually produced in the hundreds of thousands during WWIII basically already sealed the fate of Germany. It is one of the most colossal FAILures in all of history.
Development, or Lack Thereof[]
The Idea Matters[]
Marguerite Williams, the Führer of Germany during the end of times and World War III, thought of the idea of a panzer so brilliant that Adolf Hitler would be impressed. She considered herself a connoisseur of the classic German panzers made during World War II, so in order to impress Hitler, she modeled her tank after that era of German tank design.
"Big!" is what "groß" means if you don't know nazi language
Marguerite drew the schematics and specifications on a blue paper right down to the micrometer. When she was complete with the drawing, she showed it to Hitler and womansplained to him that if he just made a panzer as simple as hers, then he would have won World War II, but nooo, Marguerite has to take over the world for Hitler because he is funny mustached failure man who couldn't just make the very simple Panzer M and win World War II and the world would be speaking German and the mess that has to be made did not need to happen. Hitler then told Marguerite that there was more to manufacturing panzers than making a tank with a large gun and a bunch of other crap. He strapped her to a chair and gave a long, long lecture about how and why WWII Germany didn't just make the wunderpanzerbatailion, cure-all mythical tanks that served every unique purpose and had all their own different gun calibers and super sloped armor and über complex mechanisms that used the power of German engineering to defeat every T-34-85, KV-1, and IS-2. All that crap needed to be manufactured some way, somehow, and Hitler approved already used stuff and methods to make manufacturing simple. They needed to recycle after WWI, he said, Germany was low on resources and didn't need new materials to worry about.
Hitler looking at this failure of a vehicle
Hitler finished his yelling lecture and Marguerite called him a simpleton who doesn't know the slightest bit about manufacturing and production processes and things and crap. She went off to tell her engineers to make the tank.
Testing and Stuff[]
The first Panzer M was tested in the testing grounds, of course, and it performed absolutely extremely horrendously for World War III standards. It had terrible speed, armor, amenities, ergonomics, and everything. It had no way of protecting itself using an anti-projectile protection system like every modern tank had, nor did it have any way of protecting itself from bombs with the trinitrotoluene equivalent of 60 megatons, again, unlike every other modern tank. It was also insanely small in comparison to the modern battleship-sized tanks that could easily crush the thing and continue ravaging. It was just inferior to everything in EVERY SINGLE way. It did not help that Marguerite's only notes on the matter of actually helping to produce the thing was "BIG. Und eef dak dawnt verk, bwilt mur BIG!"
Everything sucked.
World War Three[]
Believe it, or not, the Panzer M was used during World War III in a quite big quantity. Hundreds of thousands would be made and used by Marguerite's soldiers all over the world. What Marguerite didn't realize (or what she was just ignoring) was the fact that no Panzer M got any kills on any enemy in the fifty years it has been active. Her military advisors told her the bad news and she still wanted the things being produced. That was when her doctor just decided to beat her skull in such a way that she would forget that the Panzer M needed to be anything. He failed, obviously, because Marguerite's brain is very small and skull very thick, so she shot him with her personal P38.
The infamy of the Panzer M got it the nickname Poopenfartenwagen among German soldiers, which translated to toilet car.
Non-War Thing[]
Marguerite practicing her parading
Marguerite would use the Poopenfartenwagen in many military parades, using her own special blue one to showcase that she is so cool to have her own tank. Everyone got second-hand embarrassment the moment they saw her riding that thing, every time.
Marguerite's Opinion[]
The Panzer M held a special place in Williams' non-existent heart. It was her pride and joy, which is why she was so defensive when anyone said anything "mean" about it. No one would know this (or should know this), but she had relations with her tank at least once. This brings a whole new meaning to the previous section.
Looking to the future
Marguerite thinks that this tank is very great because it would have won WW2 and she probably thought that Hitler and the others would be proud of her for making such a thing. Vendetta, Marguerite's great x15 grandmother, would have told her that it was the worst thing since Ebola supercancer, but Marguerite brought her back into the world and could easily take her out.
Legacy[]
This tank would be known as the most mistimed thing to ever be built, ever. Poopenfartenwagen and its Poopenfartenkanone 17 will be remembered forever for the bad thing.