UnAnything Wiki

What is UnAnything? UnAnything is a humor wiki that's been running for over a decade. Want to edit? Read the rules, because your edits won't be saved unless you follow the instructions within. But if you're just curious about us, you can read the guide. Be sure to also check out our Discord! Have fun!

READ MORE

UnAnything Wiki
Advertisement
John Cena stat

Pillar John Cena, photographed circa 0 in his prime.

Pillar John Cena is the name of a legendary and mythical old John, and is the grandfather of Pillar John. He escaped the mass extermination of the other members of his species by being using the power of invisibility. He invented Alchemy out of nothing but a few satanic circles when he was bored. In fact, many believe he cloned himself and transmuted the clone into a human, as evident by Pillar John Cena being able to do transmutations without the circles. Pillar John Cena has had 23 wives, with Pillar Johanna being his last before death did them deservioli.

Appearance[]

Pillar John Cena looks like if you took Thanos and made him human. Pillar John Cena sports sporting goods that were handed down to him by Purple Guy, except for the orange wrist band and hat, which were given to him by Usopp after they started absorbing the orange juice from his eye. His skin may have the texture of metamorphic rock, but his heart is sedimentary. Pillar John Cena is very outgoing and charismatic.

Biography[]

Early Life & Origins[]

Like all the other Johns, he comes from ancient Rome. Actually, that's not true. There were Johns in other parts of classic Europe, in classical Europe fashion. Pillar John Cena was the epicest gamer of the other Pillar Johns. Nobody knew what that meant back then, but when he suplexed an entire Roman cavalry quire everybody knew he was a superstar. His rizz got him to be able to make a family with Pillar Jane. But unfortunately none of his kids could learn wrestling because they were so fat and bulky, so he got a divorce.

No matter how many times he remarried and had families though, his kids were too stiff to learn the Sunset Flip Powerbomb. That was until he married Pillar Joann and Pillar Johanna. Joann before she died gave birth to Kars, Esidisi, Wamuu, and Santana; Johanna gave birth to the Mini Johns species, who were much more in his likeness (and which lives on to this day). Pillar John Cena was able to teach those kids and some bricks like Gerome how to defend themselves from people with hammers in case the humans got aggressive on him. He also hated how Johns were being used for nothing but architecture, and wanted to overthrow the Human race. That's one of the theories people have for him inventing Alchemy, and why human transmutation results in bad stuff happening, but we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

Fall of Rome[]

Pillar John Cena's day of reckoning came when barbarians backed onto the fronts of the Roman Empire and wiped out most of the John species, except for the ones he taught how to fight. Those were the ones that survived. Some humans also survived, but we don't care about them. Sadly, his wife Pillar Johanna didn't survive the fall of the Roman Empire because Stone Coke Steve Sauceton's great great (...) great great grandfather was prejudiced.

Devastated and wanting to enact Pillar John Cena's Revenge, Pillar John Cena and the Pillar Men sought to overthrow the human race, which is why they both invented extreme torture machines like the Stone Mask and Calculus, but also powers humans couldn't use like Alchemy and Vampirism. Unfortunately for them humans appropriated these technologies, making Vampires from the masks and making transmutation circles.

Migration & Modern Life[]

Still, he killed humans, and went to the Americas with his sons to kill Native Americans before Columbus arrived. But they got bored of killing humans, and didn't want to have 5 stars forever, thus settled down in the Aztec Empire, and then Mexico, and then the United States, where he lives today. He is currently teaching Alchemy to humans under the condition they don't use it on him.

Descendants[]

Pillar[]

  • Pillar Kars
  • Pillar Esidisi
  • Pillar Wamuu
  • Pillar Santana
  • Pillar John Cena II
    • Pillar John
    • Pillar John Cena IIV
      • Pillar John Cena IIII
    • Pillar John Cena III
      • Pillar John Cena IV
        • Pillar John Cena V
          • Pillar John Cena VI
            • Pillar John Cena VII
              • Pillar John Cena IIX
              • Pillar John Cena VIII
                • Pillar John Cena IX
                • Pillar John Cena VIIII
  • Pillar Jonesy
    • Pillar יוחנה
  • Pillar Joann
    • Pillar Joann Jr.
      • Pillar Joanne
        • Pillar Joanna
        • Pillar Joanny
      • Pillar Joannette
      • Pillar Joey
      • Pillar Joannette
        • Pillar Johanna
        • Pillar Johanos
          • Pillar Johanos Jr.
        • Pillar Johanelle
    • Pillar Joannita
    • Pillar Joannelle
  • Pillar Jon
    • Pillar Jonathon
      • Pillar Jonathan Jr.
        • Pillar Johnathan
        • Pillar Johnathen
      • Pillar Jonella
    • Pillar Jonny
      • Pillar Jonelle
      • Pillar Joni
        • Pillar Johnny
  • Pillar Jonesy
    • Pillar Jones
      • Pillar Jones Jr.
        • Pillar Zhong
      • Pillar Jonesa
        • Pillar Jonesy
    • Pillar Jonesa
    • Pillar Joneson
    • Pillar Johnsy
      • Pillar Johnsy Jr.
        • Pillary Jonesy
          • Pillar Jonesy Jr.
      • Pillar Janice
      • Pillar Jonas
  • Pillar Johanan
    • Pillar Johanan Jr.
      • Pillar Johan
        • Pillar Jan
          • Pillar Ian
    • Pillar Johanela
      • Pillar Jean
        • Pillar June
        • Pillar July
    • Pillar Johanos
      • Pillar Ivander
      • Pillar Ivanna
  • Pillar Ivan
    • Pillar Ivan Jr.
    • Pillar Ivanna
      • Pillar Ivanette
    • Pillar Ivana
  • Pillar Yohanan
    • Pillar Yohan
      • Pillar Yohan Jr.
      • Pillar Yohannita
        • Pillar Yohannes
    • Pillar Yohannita

Mini[]

  • Mini Johanita
  • Mini John
    • Mini Jon
    • Mini Johan
      • Mini Jonathan
      • Mini Johanna
        • Mini Jovanna
      • Mini Joanna
        • Mini Joanna
        • Mini Johnny
        • Mini Johanna Jr.
          • Mini Jovanni
            • Mini Jovanni Jr.
      • Mini Joann
        • Mini Johanan
        • Mini Jovanni
        • Mini Joanne
          • Mini Joanne Jr.
          • Mini Joannie
            • Mini Joannie Jr.
  • Mini Jonesy
    • Mini Yohanan
  • Mini Jones
    • Mini Jones Jr.
    • Mini Jonah
      • Mini Joaquin
        • Mini Joaquin Jr.
        • Mini Jocelyn
        • Mini Jonty
        • Mini Jonquil
  • Mini Yonatan
    • Mini Yonatan
    • Mini Yohana
      • Mini Yohana
      • Mini Yonah
      • Mini Yovana
      • Mini Yoni
  • Mini Jono
    • Mini Jonelle
      • Mini Jonelle
      • Mini Jonatan
  • Mini Jontelle
  • Mini Johanna
    • Mini Johanna
    • Mini Johann
      • Mini Johann
      • Mini Johannah
    • Mini Johannes
  • Mini Jehan
    • Mini Ioannes
      • Mini Ioanna
        • Mini Ioanna Jr.
        • Mini Ioan
        • Mini Ioanis
          • Mini Ioanis Jr.
          • Mini Ioanita
      • Mini Ioanique
        • Mini Ioanique
        • Mini Ioandel
  • Mini Jehanne
    • Mini Jehanne
    • Mini Jehanuel
    • Mini Jehanette
    • Mini Jehandra
      • Mini Jehandra Jr.
      • Mini Jehanara
Advertisement