Not to be confused with paintball. This is way better!

Painball is a popular sport that is played around the UnWorld. It was first invented by cavemen a long time ago, and it has developed much since then. It is played by every country in the world, except for South Hyrule, but they're party poopers, so we hate them.

There are annual painball competitions that take place every year, and every country in the world sends in their painball team. In the end, Hyrule always wins though, because they always cheat.


In painball, there are two teams of 10 players, and a total of two painballs. Each team is given one ball, and they must get it to the opposite team's goal to get a point. Each game lasts three hours, and whichever team has the most points at the end wins. However, the game is harder than it sounds, because painballs are rigged to go off with a hundred different methods of torture whoever is holding it.


Each team has 10 players. These players all have their own special job, and spend years training. There are usually about ten backups for every player (due to frequency of injuries and rage quits), which means the average team has 100 players overall.

  • Goalie: This guy is in charge of defending their goal. If the enemy team scores a point, it is because this guy has no clue what he's doing. It is tradition to shoot a goalie with a Spartan Laser when they FAIL, but this practice was ended after Judge Judy stepped in.
  • Field Guys: The field guys are the ones who run around the field. There are five on each team. The field guys take the painball, and try to get it to the enemy goal. The field guys are more likely to die than any other position because they are in charge of carrying the ball.
  • Shooter: This is the guy in charge of shooting the ball. When given the ball, he takes out his magnum and puts a hole in it. This usually prevents the painball from attack players for about ten seconds, depending on the ball's attitude.
  • Anti-Goalie: This is the guy in charge of beating the crap out of the enemy goalie. If they can get a KO on the enemy, it is really easy to make goals.
  • Runner: This is the guy that runs in circles for no reason. He does not help the game in any way, but the professional Painball runners make more money in one game than you make in a year.
  • Mascot: The mascot is the guy who is forced to dress up as some stupid animal and pretend he cares at all. He then takes the role of another field guy while still in costume.

List of things the painball does to make one who is holding it end up in utter pain

  • Bursting into flames
  • Launching out spikes
  • Electrocution
  • Acid sprayers
  • Self destructing
  • Shooting a Bobbit Worm out of one of the holes to rip your face off (approved by The Destroyer)
  • Releasing CBeebies organisms
  • Puffing out poison clouds
  • Turning into a black hole
  • Spreading catalyst around
  • Increasing it's weight by OVER 9000!
  • Gamma rays
  • Revealing a heat seeking missile launcher that detects who is holding it
  • NEDMing you
  • Shooting ice, snow and liquid nitrogen to freeze the one holding it
  • Subscribing to Chris-Chan's Youtube
  • Teleporting Chuck Norris' foot at you
  • Ripping your head off with a claw
  • Singing the SpongeBob SquarePants Song
  • Shoots you with a liquefying ray
  • And far more
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