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The Administrator by the name of Dee has deemed this page sacred. |
The logo of The Daily Coffee.
The Daily Coffee is a very true daily newspaper that documents all the important stuff in life. It It was officially started June 7th 2021 after some guy who goes by the name of "DaWaeToUganda69" thought the Main Page needed some daily news. An UnTeam admin noticed and decreed it as the official UnAnything Newspaper. Fun fact: Before there was The Daily Coffee, there was Hot Off the Coffee Table! It was a failed predecessor that only had 1 batch of news made by Wario before he was slashed into pieces by Kat and Ana.
Natural News is our competitor! They are jealous that we have ACTUAL news.
Hot Off The Coffee Table: More Info[]
As said above, before there was The Daily Coffee, there was Hot Off The Coffee Table. It was made by Wario AND Captain 1, who wanted to promote their thriving newspaper "Natural News". The first batch was was made in 2016 and stayed dormant because Wario was slashed into pieces and Captain 1 was working on Natural News.
However, on June 7th, 2021 some random guy asked if somebody could make a daily news. Someone complied and made The Daily Coffee, the true news network that doesn't lie, with fresh news off the Coffee Table.
Captain 0, a famous subscriber, commenting on The Daily Coffee (note that this is a mockup created by our rival NBC.)
The Daily Coffee: ARCHIVE[]
A continuous update documenting all new batches of The Daily Coffee.
The Daily Coffee's failed predecessor, Hot Off the Coffee Table!'s first and only batch:
- Somebody eats a chocolate-chip cookie.
- A giant toilet attacks Tokyo.
- The world premiere of Pedobear (TV series) aired today.
- It was revealed that Death the Kid IS a robot! He was seen in his robot form while some annoying fan girl tried to call him on the computer.
- The Tittytubbies are actually friends with the Telotubs.
- Flappy Bird is like Angry Birds except the person who plays it is the one who is angry.
The First Batch!
- The Daily Coffee is started!
- Man playing Flappy Bird destroys all his electronics, fined 200 UnDollars.
- A stupid admin made up a stupid idea.
- Hyped up 3rd update of Captain 0: The Great RPG Adventure is released!!
- Teletubbies beat up a poor homeless man on the streets.
- Captain 0 supposedly hates bacon! It's true.
The Second Batch.
- Update: Homeless guy KILLED by Teletubbies.
- Chuck Norris is rumored to like bacon! Paparazzi caught a picture of him EATING bacon.
- A small explosive accident involving fireworks in the house resulted in one dead.
- Captain 15 supposedly is not a big fan of our newspaper, so we're gonna kill her!
- Some unimportant fan mod to Undertale is made, called.. wait. Deltarune? AW HELL NO-
- A crayon bag fell over a man, and caused head injuries. He is currently suing Crayola.
- Homer Simpson finally got that crayon out!
The Third Batch.
- Handy Manny is to be deported back to Taco Town June 12th, 2021!
- Bob Saget was caught strangling Captain 10 today and was punished by staying in Heaven for 10 days!
- Bob the Builder was fined 200,000,000 UnDollars in damage after his anger caused a 9.1 magnitude earthquake in Japan!
- Cookie Clicker was just hacked this morning, and the aftermath was billions of lost cookies. The government is holding a memorial for those lost cookies.
- Coca-Cola was sued after scientists found traces of Death Juice and lead in their "Shit" flavor!
- They are reportedly being sentenced to death as we speak.
Hiatus
Hiatus
- Kat and Ana's sentence supposedly was overruled this morning by the ghost of Wario suddenly appearing.
- Bigfoot supposedly was spotted near our headquarters, and now the U.U.S government is arresting us while I speak and is being invaded by the Legion of Captains.
- Somebody ate a pizza.
- The government has officially decreed that Clorox Bleach should be used in cleaning UnArticles to protect their value and age.
- A woman dies in a car crash while singing "Happy".
There was a temporary hiatus regarding the temporary server shutdowns during The Wario Terror. It's been fixed!
- We are threatening to countersue Natural News if they don't drop the lawsuit!
- Man dreams the PS5 goes back in stock
- Captain 0 threatens to kill Captain 1 for trying to shut down our operations!
- The big laser that Captain 0 and 1 niatpaC have been working on has supposedly been finished!
- Googolplex supposedly died after accidentally hanging himself with a support rope!
- 0 niatpaC threatens WAR on Stupid City as we speak!
- Death Juice shown to have no ill-effects on house centipedes. "I was hoping otherwise, as they look like H. P. Lovecraft designed them..", says the scientist who discovered it.
- A sculptor was killed when he was breathing in the dust from a marble statue that turned out to actually be made of ASBESTOS!
- Coming up in recent news of The Wario Terror: Wario allegedly killed thief in stole his Shipyard in The Wario Terror. Turns out the thief was a rival pirate!
- Citezens say that if Ducky were Candee, he'd be the love flavor. It is most likely they were held at gunpoint to fabricate this.
- One day allegedly found by UnAnything team scientists!
Another hiatus...
- Discovery of One day disproven! "I'd get away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" says the fabricator.
- Olimar was attacked by a Volneskor today, but a bunch of Pikmin fought back! What brave Pikmin!
- Digit Al rumoured to have a girlfriend!
- A very strange user allegedly caught using an alt account! Is it true..? Author's update: IT'S TRU!!!
- PipCop Shames LTD allegedly suing Russian hackers for making a rip off of Zombies vs. Plants: We Don't Want Zombies On Our Lawn!
Hiatus
- Florida Man acquires incites Broken Arrow incident, threatens Teletubbies with nuclear hellfire!
- Mysterious hypercube of shrieking rage appears in Times Square, promises workers' revolution!
- Record Amogus infestation reported in Possum City; Fatman declined on commenting!
- Shaggy's Power Level Under 9000? Find out now on this youtube video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDl8yqvfMU0&t=0s
- Olimar was attacked by Volneskor AGAIN and nearly died!
sutaiH
- MountWario & WellFiredToast became a couple! We people at The Daily Coffee send our condolences for their future marriage.. :D
- Jack Frost dies tragically in a snowstorm. Oh, the irony...
- Sans has been spotted in a trailer for an unofficial Undertale sequel called Undertale 3: Sans on the Run From The Police Oh Crap I Think He's Just Running Oh Crap He Just Got Shot I Don't Know What Happened But I Think He Died Oh My God He Died Oh Crap I Gotta Run.
- Beach Bob gets tamed by a dinosaur!!
If we’re having this many hiatus, why don’t we make it weekly? Just putting it out there.
Haisus
- Brooklyn Bridge destroyed, Chuck Norris repairs it like a man!
- Fabricator tries to spread rumor that Captain 1 is dead, gets absolutely DUNKED!
- Captain 1,000 likes eating his own wafers! He was caught eating some during this Sunday's Mass.
- Bob Saget becomes bored, eats Turkey.
- Bob Saget supposedly human!
- Daily Coffee creator Dee is sick! Please send your condolences for him..
A sick break hiatus.
- Daily Coffee will be UnUnupdated for a few weeks. Dee still needs to recover.
In the mean time, have some older news:
- HippyDippyHoop6 is the first user on this wiki to edit every day for a year straight. Good on him!
- MountWario & WellFiredToast became a couple! We people at The Daily Coffee send our condolences for their future marriage.. :D
- A very strange user allegedly caught using an alt account! Is it true..? Author's update: IT'S TRU!!!
- Astro Bot is reportedly REPLACING Sackboy! Weird.
- Microsoft releases the Xbox Classic! Too bad they're too late on the craze!
- Strange sockpuppet reportedly spreading rumors that Captain 1 got KILLED by Captain 1,000, gets absolutely DUNKED!
- Strange sockpuppets rise from the dead as they attack UnAnything!
- Captain 1 is still alive and Captain 1,000 was at home in the Vatican't when Strange made up a rumour with a sock! This situation is very STRANGE.
- Our news reportedly wrong as the socks have stopped attacking!
- The new Megathread II launched today! Send in anything that happened in YOUR town!
- Existential time loop sends us into a brief frenzy reciting previous news!
- It has been fixed, by the way! (You know that!)
- New Scary Terrifying Race of Arguably Ghoulish Eggsocks (S.T.R.A.N.G.E) rules have been put up today for our megathread! (Let's just hope they don't attack..)
Our first batch with virtually listings!
- Captain 503 attempts to slap someone with a stick, but is STICKED with a slap!
- One of our first news in August! Whaddya think about it?
- Existential crisis sets in Dee as he tries to explain why an Anything Wiki I.P user is targeting everyone here!
- A man who remains anonymous whose user goes by the name of "SackMan2000" sent us this new: Captain 1,000 enters the Lower Counsel after being stupid!
- It has been reported immediately after that this is fake!
- Dinald Trimp reportedly blasted out of the social media time continuum due to detesting common sense!
- Our first news above the average 5! WOW!
- New Daily Coffee layout sets in as Dee has proposed an unlimited amount of articling!
- Paperboy calls it QUITS!
- Bread shortage outbreaks in Stupid City as they sacrifice it to the PagUns!
- S.T.R.A.N.G.E rules have temporarily stopped the sudden outbreak of sockpuppets as Strange contemplates how to break into UnAnything!
- New Super Mario Brothers Wii will have almost been 12 years old as November is nearing!
- Undefeatables attempt to expulse bread onto Stupid City!
- FNAF is 6 years old!
- Second batch to have unlimited news!
- THIS. JUST. FREAKING. IN. UnAnything on the horizon of a real life UnWar as KMF threatens to DMCA us for using her OC! (Not a joke.)
- CrazyMew37 reportedly scared about the matter!
- Operation Warped Speed has been taken over by DDOS69!
- TV stations reportedly broken as UnAnything: The Series reaches 8 million total viewers on its newest episode “Just a Dot”!
(Guest-written by Vesta)
- CrazyMew37 finally coming out of his house!
- Kris just had an affair with The Scratch Cat after she played one of his crappy manipulative shames!
- Sonic is 2 minutes too late, as usual.
- A bunch of stupid nerds tried to revive Hatsune Miku but instead somehow summoned Ducky, who killed them all shortly after.
- Peter Griffin, the Anti-Steve, cleared of sins by a cutaway gag! Audio leaked from Griffin household shows Peter Griffin describing how he was "kidnapped" by a peacock!
- God says "it good "
- Tierboskat posts on his twitter.com: "what's this crystal alliance and where can i sign up"
- Empire State Building finally back in New York skyline, Chuck Norris coincidentally spotted shopping for toothpicks
(Guest-written by GNE)
- Hundreds of thousands of unsold copies of Louie's Notes wash up on the Indian west-coast.
- WellFiredToast becomes the entire country of Niger.
- SCC receives it’s all-time highest number of student applications.
- Kaptain Skurvy wins the Miss Universe pageant for the 69420th time.
- Daily Coffee rebranded to Weekly Coffee due to staff reform!
- SSBrandon supposedly at peace after a long grudge against us!
- We believe this is because the 2nd Dimension from P&B (a personal favorite movie of Dee) was restored from total damnation by DaTenthGate.
- Anything Wiki supposedly raising down their cannons!
- Nothing happened in Stupid City!
(Guest-written by Berry)
- The Shaggy Connection finds out that Tuxedo Mask IS Sailor Earth, but he couldn't transform because of a curse from Luna!
- Sanic's voice revealed in a talk show? WTF‽
- Barney's Tamaranian summoning chant revealed to have more than one stanza!
- In related news, Vesta has been shot dead by three young dinosaurs. He's alright, he just died.
- The Powerpuff Girls begin questioning themselves after witnessing the announcement of a 78th reboot!
- UnUltimate Custom Night just came out with a new, optional skin for Hoagies called a 'Death Coin' after people complained they were too scary!
Guest written by... Captain 1? Seriously, fuck that guy.
NOW U WIL PAY FOR COPYING US, DAILY COFFE!!!!!
- DEE STRUGGLES TO MAKE IMAGES! WHAT AN IDIOT!
- AUTHORITARIAN RULE OF 0 APPARENTLY STOPPED AFTER "HOSTILE" TAKEOVER OF UNANYTHING!
- NEW RECENT RULES TO BE DROPPED IN FAVOR OF NEW CHANGES!
- MAKEOVER OF THIS STUPID WIKI TO BE MADE!
Guest written by Captain 1 again, with the help of Berry. (But it was mostly written by Captain 1.)
- YOU WIKI MEMBERS HAVEN'T BEEN RENOVATING THIS DARN WIKI! GET YOUR BUTTS OFF THE CHAIR AND GET TO WORK!!!
- ROSA JOINS SUPER SMASH BROS. FAIL!
- POSSUM CITY'S CRIME RATE HAS HAD IT'S FIRST EVER DAY WITH NO CRIME, BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE IT WON'T LAST LONG!
- SPEAKING OF POSSUM CITY, THEY HAVE STARTED REBUILDING AND INTRODUCED A $500,000,000 UNDOLLAR AND FREE PLAYSTATION 5 REWARD FOR ANYONE WHO CAN BE IN THE CITY FOR 5 SECONDS AND NOT BE A VICTIM OF CRIME!
- LIP TRANSFORMS A HUMAN INTO A FAIRY BY ACCIDENT!
- THE CRYSTAL ALLIANCE TRIES TO BREAK DOWN THE UNANYTHING HEADQUARTERS DOOR IN AN ATTEMPT TO STOP MY RULE! APPARENTLY A BLUE CAT HELPED THEM EVEN GET TO THIS PLACE!
ANOTHER HIATUS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU SLOTHS?! -Captain 1
Guest written by Captain 1 once again, with the help of Berry another time.
- WHY ISN'T THE SOLAR SYSTEM ARTICLE ACCURATE?! YOU IDIOTS NEED TO FIX IT RIGHT NOW!
- PLAYSTATION 5 GOES BACK IN STOCK. BECOMES SOLD OUT IMMEDIATELY.
- BLU-RAY REPEATABLY BECOMEING LEGAL AND ILLEGAL AS A VERY STRANGE AGRUMENT HAPPENS IN UNANYTHING HQ!
- MY THOUGHTS ARE THAT BLU-RAY SHOULD BE LEGAL SINCE IT IS IN THE REAL WORLD!
- GRAND THEFT SEASAME STREET GETS BANNED IN BOTH THAILAND AND INDONESIA!
- UNANYTHING: THE SERIES CREATORS RUMORED TO STAR SELLING RECREATIONS OF THE ROBOTS FROM THE EPISODE "MIKU MACHINE"! HATSUNE MIKU IS GOING TO RISE AGAIN IF NO ONE STOPS THEM!!!
- TIGER WRIST GAMES OFFICIALLY PROCLAIMED THE WORSE SHAMES EVER BY THE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD! THEY ARE EVEN WORSE THAN BURNOUT PARADIESE! ACCORDING TO MY ARCH-NEMESIS CAPTAIN 0, HE HAS MORE FUN SETTING THE CLOCK ON HIS IPHONE 13 PRO MAX! I ACTUALLY AGREE WITH HIM FOR ONCE!
- HANNIBAL LECTER LOSES POSITION AS CO-EMPEROR IN THE SATANIST EMPIRE!
- EYEBALL MAN CALLED TERRIFYING BY SOMEBODY!
- TIERBOSKAT SEEN RIDING HOUSE DOWN HIGHWAY AFTER TRUCK!
- FOR ONCE, A PIECE OF MEDIA ABOUT THAT MEDDLING STU THAT ISN'T WRITTEN BY VESTA! (IT WAS WRITTEN BY EYEBALL MAN)
- BIZARRE KOREAN DEATH GAME CALLED THE "SQUID GAME" HAS BEEN BANNED WORLDWIDE AFTER THE DEITY CATS AGREE IT WAS "FUCKED UP".
- MY AGE WAS REVEALED TO BE 44! STOP CALLING ME A BOOMER YOU FOOLS!
- THOUSANDS OF BABY-CHANGING STATIONS TURNED BY ME INTO BABY HANGING STATIONS!
- Note: They were vandalized and this is false news that spreads! (-Eyeball Man)
- POSSUM CITY'S CRIME RATE GOES BACK TO NORMAL! FATMAN CRIES IN AGONY KNOWING HE'LL HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN!
- SHAGGY ROGERS ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS NOW THE LEADER OF THE LOWER COUNSEL OF UNDEFEATABLES!
- cap please stop the canon-ɹeɪp please :( -ves
Guest written by Captain 1 once again, with the help of Berry another time.
- I WILL ASK YOU FOOLS ONCE AGAIN, MAKE THIS WIKI BETTER AND MORE ACCURATE TO WHAT'S ACTUALLY GOING ON!!!
- SOME RANDOM GUY MAKES A MINI-FRIDGE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE XBOX SERIES X. SOLD OUT QUICKER THAN SONIC RUNNING FOR A MILE AND IS A TARGET OF SCALPERS!
- ANGRY DAD SMASHED KID'S PS4 TO PUNISH HIM, FINED 2000 UNDOLLARS AND BEING FORCED TO BUY THE KID A NEW ONE!
- "why are there so many news stories about video game consoles? this is strange" -Vesta
- HISTORIC SHORTAGE OF THE COLOR BLUE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!
- GOOD RIDDANCE TOO, AS THAT'S THE COLOR OF CAPTAIN 0!!!
- MOUNT RUSHMORE AND THE STATUE OF LIBERTY WENT OUT ON A DATE!!!
Guest written by Captain 1 once again, with the help of Berry another time.
- UNANYTHING TEAM MEMBERS FOUND HIDING IN THE HQ PLOTTING AGAINST ME!
- YOU TRAITORS ARE GETTING A CUT OUT OF YOUR PAY!
- FANDOM YET AGAIN DOES A SCREW-UP BY CHANGING THE DAMN ICONS FOR THE DAMN DISCUSSION AND MAIN PAGE BUTTONS! I CAN'T FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS.
- I WILL GIVE EVERY UNTEAM MEMBER AN EXTRA UNDOLLAR IN THEIR PAYCHECK FOR THIS!
- DUSK APPARENTLY ALMOST COMPLETE REBUILDING DAWN!
- DUSK IS CONSIDERING ASKING DAWN TO JOIN THE SCARY ROBOTS GANG!
- THE 7TH UPDATE FOR THE SECOND WORST SHAME EVER RELEASES! MAINLY NEW STORY CONTENT, AND WORLDWIDE PORTS FOR XBOX AND MAC!
- I GOT CAPTURED AND PUT INTO WAJAIL FOR 20 SECONDS BEFORE BREAKING OUT!
- I CAN DO IT SO EASILY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TO WAJAIL FOR 9001 TIMES NOW! I AM CURRENTLY TRYING TO BREAK THE WORLD RECORD OF FASTEST PRISON BREAK!
- A RAVE'S DISCO MACHINE TURNS OUT TO BE MADE OF MEAT!!! WHO COULD BE BEHIND THIS?!?!
Guest written by Captain 1 once again, with the help of Berry another time.
- SOMEBODY ACTUALLY GOT INSIDE THE UNANYTHING HEADQUARTERS AND SLAMMED THEIR TIARA INTO MY SKULL!
- MR. T PLAYS TIC-TAC-TOE WITH HOMER SIMPSON!
- MONIKA GLITCHIFIES FREDDY FAZBEAR AFTER AN ARGUMENT WHOSE GAME IS SCARIER!
- DO NOT WORRY, HE RECOVERED ONLY 3 DAYS LATER!
- CAPTAIN 0, NOW STRIPPED OF HIS UNDESERVED RIGHTS, SETTLES DOWN IN A HOME FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT SHITTY PS3 CONSOLES!
- SPEAKING OF WHICH; I HATE CONSOLES!
- SOME JERK STOLE CHUCK NORRIS'S MILKSHAKE AND IS NOW FINED NINE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE TRILLION NINE HUNDRED FORTY BILLION SEVEN THOUSAND UNDOLLARS AND GOT 2 FREE ROUNDHOUSE KICKS TO THE FACE!
Guest written by Captain 1 once again, with the help of Berry another time.
- ONE OF OUR VERY STRANGE NEWS JOURNALISTS WERE FIRED FOR MAKING UNWORTHY NEWS! HE WROTE A BUNCH OF BALONEY ANYWAYS!
- OUR CUSTOMERS WILL BE GETTING FREE REFUNDS AND NEW PAPERS FOR THE FAKE INFORMATION! THANK GOD SOMEONE IS DOING STUFF TO MAKE THIS WIKI MORE ACCURATE!
- TEXAS BLOWN UP DUE TO SPOOKINESS FROM HOME-DEPOT SKELETONS THANKS TO NONE OTHER THAN YOURS TRULY!
- BERRY IS DECIDING TO DRESS UP AS THE GRIM REAPER FOR HALLOWEEN!
- THE COSTUME HE GOT WAS EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE BY THE WAY!
- ETHAN PEES HIMSELF AFTER AN INCIDENT WITH AN EXTREMELY TERRIFYING POKEMON!
- BUTTERCUP NOW LEGALLY A CANNIBAL AFTER BEING CAUGHT EATING REESE'S IN A GARBAGE CAN!
Guest written by Captain 1 once again, with the help of Berry another time.
- I ONLY HAVE 5 DAYS LEFT UNTIL MY LEADERSHIPS STATUS IS REMOVED! FIX THE WIKI RIGHT NOW, YOU MORONS!!!
- METEOR ASPLODES OVER THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM! SERVES THEM RIGHT FOR THOSE SPAGHETTI JOKES!
- QU HAS RETURNED TO TURN PEOPLE INTO BRICKS AGAIN! WHO KNOWS WHY THEY DO THIS?!
- THE SHAGGY CONNECTION REPORTEDLY ANNOYED BY THIS!
- SAILOR MOON FINALLY JOINS THE CRYSTAL ALLIANCE AFTER WEEKS OF WAITING!
- A TAPE OF THE UNTEAM AND CPEC EXECUTING STRANGE BY ELECTRIC CHAIR HAS BEEN FOUND!
- Captain 1 ultimately gets magically overthrown at the hands of Marasmus after he is FISHED out of the Teletubby Acid Lake!!
- Captain 1 survived getting thrown into the lake since he is EVIL! ZOMG!!
- Captain 1 used to be the e-vil guy, but now he's the [[It Burns! Ow! Stop! Help Me! It Burns!]] guy!
Guest written by Berry.
- Sans has been added to the front page finally!
- Berry mentions that he has been slacking off in an interview! Get back to work, or you're fired!
- Blueprints of Dawn have been leaked online! Hikabots are starting to come back for this reason!
- Dusk is apparently disappointed about this. Not mad, just disappointed.
- Big Bird gets Coronavirus vaccine!
- We all congratulate you for those who made it half way through No Nut November!
- An Egg gets beaten due to controversy behind him!
Guest written by Berry.
- Dusk gives out his blueprints out of obligation after Dawn's was leaked!
- Berry decides to experiment around with new mechanics for UnUltimate Custom Night!
- Lucia Nanami realizes that she is the princess of the Northern Pacific Ocean, not the Northern Atlantic Ocean!
- Japan planning to have renovations in the future!
- UnAnything Trading Card Shame Card sells for 1 million UnDollars!
Guest written by Berry.
- The UnAnything Trading Card Shame needs your help for new cards! Go to the page and add some if ya please!
- Pokemon Diligent Dying and Whining Girl releases today!
- On that accord, Dawn has now been repaired and is released into the world once more!
- Ethan, Kris, and Lyra announce that they are now in a polyamorous relationship!
- Mr. Key leaps over a skyscraper!
- Sonic and Fatman play a game of Chess!
Guest written by Berry.
- Today's the last day of 2021! Let's hope 2022 is a good year!
- Historians studying extranormal phenomena in prehistoric Europe discover hyperspatial anomalies, possibly indicating where hyperspatial kill vehicles were used in an unknown prehistoric war.
- Hat Kid clears out yet another Hourglass Factory!
- UnAnything Trading Card Shame Series 1 likely to be delayed to 2022!
- It's Snowing in the Sonic Islands! Nothing else important happening there...
Guest written by MountWario.
- The quick brown fox finally jumps over the lazy dog!
- P.I.N.G.A.S. finally lands on Mars and Dr. Robotnik's very happy about this!
- Wine cellars around the UnWorld are invaded by Demomen for known reasons. Those reasons being because alcohol.
- Clones of Homer Simpson have been seen at a 4th Dimensional randez-vous point inside Paris planning World Domination.
- The clock strikes 13.
- Breaking Bad Guy has gone missing once again. UnPolice around the world are working to find and capture him. If you see him, please answer the phone; he's waiting for you.
- Africa experiences a third-coming of Jesus Christ, as he books a plane to go to Ethiopia!
- Qu missionaries make peace negotiations with the Pee over conflicts arising from who wants to take over the United 'Gees Galaxy, ultimately deciding they'd both gain nothing from such conquests.
Guest written by Berry.
- The 4,400th Page has been created, and at a good time too! Celebrate by contributing to it, will ya?
- Kate and Anna openly admit to liking Kat and Ana.
- Post was mysteriously deleted just two hours later!
- Pie goes on sale for absolutely no reason! Get it while it's hot!
- UnUltimate Custom Night slowly brings out new challenges! If you could make some more, that would be great!
- Some weirdo named Curiousity killed The Cat! D:
Guest written by Berry.
- Berry gets a random temporary promotion!
- Lyra gets hospitalized after hugging a Cactus! Stupid idiot...
- Freddy Fazbear attempts to patch some of the bugs in a new UUCN Update!
- William thinking about joining Rehab!
- Lisa Simpson cries in some random corner after her Saxophone was destroyed!
- Sailor Saturn dies from destroying a planet AGAIN.
Guest written by Berry.
- Mafia member gets away with killing the Level 99 Boss, just after said boss killed the previous Level 99 Boss!
- Valentines Day went and passed. Tom got a heart attack from eating too much Chocolate.
- Ariel claims to be the inventor of the Arial Font! We are unsure if this is true or not...
- Nate and Rosa slowly wait for their game's 10th Anniversary.
- Ashley freshens up her magical skills by turning an entire football stadium of People into Sporks.
Guest written by Berry.
- The 4,500th Page has been made! Help us contribute to it!
- In other words, Luigi has a random adventure with Nate and Pinkie Pie this day.
- Russia very likely to take over Ukraine! Be prepared, everyone!
- Buy food and water if necessary!
- Kirby does what he does best: beating the living shit out of Wispy Woods once again.
- Maria Abe buys a new Linux machine for once.
- The Minecraft Piss and Shit Update announced to be split into two parts!
Guest written by Dee.
- Infamous admin Dee reportedly dead in a car crash.. wait, WHO PUT THIS HERE?
- Rumors of a "Silent Era" spreading across UnAnything grounds!
- A new sock virus impedes UnAnything too, horrifying users and showing traits of adapability! More on this subject on tomorrow's batch.. because screw you!
- INFAMOUS BATTLE LEGEND PROVEN REAL.. WITH DETAILS? MORE AT THE PERSONAL EDITOR'S BLOG-POST!
Guest written by Berry.
- Kirby kills Everybody in Super Smash Bros. FAIL after all of the cake at a party was eaten up.
- Berry slowly recreates New York City in Minecraft! Is currently 25% finished!
- Just Monika.
- Chuck Norris woke up his alarm clock today.
- Cards currently trying to make a comeback after the massive success of the UnAnything Trading Card Shame!
Guest written by DaWae and Dee.
- Some Volneskors have been found thriving on the desert planet Anasaze!
- Controversial repromotion of anime fanatic DaWae takes place after a series of very publicized UnAnything democratical meetings!
- Twtll found dead after having been thrown into the acid lake by Ayame Midoh.
- Maho Akai was caught taking a bite out of Twiba's apple!
- Strange sockpuppets on the loose? More on next page.
- DaWae successfully caught a Strange sockpuppet!
- Meteos becomes a very popular shame.
Guest written by DaWae, courtesy of Berry.
- Fairly OddParents gets a live-action reboot. Everyone is disgusted by this!
- Knock knock. Who's there? News. News who? This is some new news.
- Chase beats the new Pokémon shame in just under 4 hours!
- Neon Rizumi learns how to use the Vocaloid Program.
- Grounder eats some Bacon Hair for DINNER!
Guest written by Berry.
- Hoppy Easter, Everyone!
- Rabbids invade Possum City!
- It has been 2022 years since Jesus Christ rose from the grave!
- Dr. Robotnik is currently painting eggs for his cousin, Dr. Eggman!
- The book Green Eggs and Spam is currently getting record sales!
- Berry collects his 15th Golden Egg!
Guest written by May.
- Hey, everyone! It's May! No, not the month. I've taken over The Daily Coffee because one of the guys I've been protecting wanted me to do this for him!
- Uhhh, contrary to popular belief, I am not dead! I've just been hiding from my life as of recent...
- Brendan had a Cheezburger for DINNER today! Wait, that isn't news...
- God has been complaining to me that I need to do my job better, or I will be demoted to a Goon. I'm trying my best, do you think you agree with me that I should NOT be demoted?
- I accidentally killed another of my customers today... I was trying to stop a Bird from eating a Dig-It but the fork I threw at him ended up helping him eat the poor worm... Damn it...
- I said hello to Ash Ketchum Today!
- I tried talking to Kris today, but she ended up siccing her Suicune on me... Am I really that terrible of a person?
- Um, what else happened to me today... Uhh, I found this strange rock this evening! Now all of a sudden, this weird blue Pokemon has been spin-dashing me recently... I don't know why...
- Anyways, I hoped You enjoyed this daily dose of coffee and news, you wonderful person! See you tomorrow!
Guest written by Berry.
- And we are back! We were finally able to get The Daily Coffee back from that crazy angel!
- Today is Cinco de Mayo! What does that even mean?
- Taco Bell is currently sold out tonight for some reason!
- MULTIPLE NUCLEAR DETONATIONS confirmed in the vicinity of Roblox HQ!
- Freddy Fazbear questions what his timeline has become.
- Kagamine Rin and Len left behind Megurine Luka at McDonalds and found the right Babysitter; Vicky!
- Elio is currently rising in the ranks of being a Delivery Boy! Right now he's at half the amount of mail Postman Pat has given others!
- The Angry Video Game Nerd drinks some Beer today!
Guest written by Berry.
- It's Friday.
- McDonald's runs out of Fries randomly!
- Boyfriend releases another hot Mixtape today for Friday Night Fuckin'!
- Carp Lowry watches the newborn fry from the Heavens above.
- Some stupid dancing Bear eats some fried butter and gets his heart replaced with a whale's!
- KAITO's circuits get fried after diving into a pool of Ice Cream!
Guest written by Berry.
- It's no longer Friday.
- The Backrooms have been proven real thanks to Tierboskat!
- Somebody gets deleted by Monika after calling them a murderer!
- The Cogs have been recently adding in new music to their buildings!
- A Good Guy decided to visit Evil Land for the first time! Is considered a Genocidal Maniac there!
Guest written by Berry.
- We're sorry about not updating the News for a while! The Guy that's been making these News Articles really needs to get their crap together!
- UnSchool is out! Happy summer, you little kiddies!
- Pride Month happened or something. Hooray for Gay People! Wait, it's over now. But still!
- Since we likely won't update the news again for 4 weeks, happy 4th of July as well!
- Seriously though, I really need to get back into the swing of things...
- Captain 0 did a thing. I forgot what exactly he did, as he did that thing three weeks ago.
- The Minions have released a new movie! Not again!
- The Rabbids are up to something. Apparently, Mario is involved for some reason.
- Battle for Dream Island Season 5 is finally getting new episodes!
- I ate a Chicken Sandwich today.
- Uhhh, what else happened? Nothing much really happened tbh. Anyways, here's your news for The Monthly Coffee!
- Berry keeps slacking off, as usual! (He's been working on other projects, okay?)
- On the other news, I've been trying to remove the unofficial Legos from the brick recreation of New York City I've been making!
- Lobster House 3 has begun production!
- The Dig-Its have discovered Unobtainium today! Awesome!
- PogoMan shot down Gligar with an iGun! Gligar didn't faint, however, and blasted him with the move 'Gust'!
- Pepinos are now on sale in South America!
- Super Game 64 Color EX Advance DS '99 has had record sales this morning!
- АБВГДЕЁЖЗИЙКЛМНОПРСТУФХЦЧШЩЪЫЬЭЮЯ joins in on the Russia-Ukraine Battle!
- A novel made by Mayor Kravindish is now on DVD!
- Berry is now the Chief Editor of the Daily Coffee! He's the only guy who's been making these entries after all...
- Vinnie the Canadian Engine attempts to ride from one end of Canada to another! A Cat and his Giant Ship are blocking him, however!
- A Group of Armight have been seen camping at Peppa Pig's house lately!
- Teletubbies (2015 TV series) has released yet another season on Blu-Ray!
- Guys from the Future are having fun watching the show on the disc! No fair! Netflix doesn't offer the newest season for some reason!
- Asplode Tinky Winky approves of the new season!
- Speaking of this new season, SGT. Miles has been Pirating the newest season for people to watch on VHS! It's better than nothing, right?
- Why are there like three subsections to this piece of news-
- Jaller visits a Car Junkyard to play a game of Hot Wheels!
- Jimbo visits The Shadow Realm once again!
- The Carpet God has announced that 1 trillion total rugs have been sold! Apparently, a big chunk of those rugs come from Toontown Zap Wardens.
- Ceiling Cat is currently recounting his Moons.
- Mr. Rogers eats some DINNER for DINNER.
- Somebody gets banned for life from the UnOmniverse after a huge Ferret scandal.
- King Dεdεdε becomes a global threat after donning a paper plate and naming himself "Masked Dεdεdε"!!!
- No fear, however, as Wonky Donkey came in to save the day!!!
- Rumors of the 8th Gappy Shame have been popping around!
- A New Flavor of Snowcones have come out: Banana!
- 9 out of 10 Snowmen approve of this new frozen treat!
- The last Snowman was apparently flattened by a steamroller from the first customer of the new Banana Snowcones.
- 9 out of 10 Snowmen approve of this new frozen treat!
- SpongeBob SquarePants crashes into Mrs. Puff's Boating School yet again!
- The Ducky Legion is now hiring!
- The Teletubbies, merged into Tubbygas, attempt to fight the Hank Gang and embarrassingly lose!
- They are demanding a rematch next week!
- Magikarp are now on sale for only 500 Pokedollars!
- Halo the Third gets a remaster on the Xbox Series S|X!
- PaRappa the Rapper and Boyfriend get into a heated rap battle! Everybody has been watching them diss each other for about 3 Days!
- Alphablock O, Captain h.o.r.r.o.r, Eleking, and WaChungus all play a game of Poker!
- Fatman goes into a level of Super Fat Nobody has seen before. Currently he clocks in at a 3.5.
- Lilligant attacks a random garden owner after they trimmed a bush!
- Zoltan Istvan gets some new votes in Idaho!
- Flunkies have taken over Toontown!
- Tobot C arrests the Teletubbies, only for them to break out of prison after 0.314195 seconds!
- We at the UnAnything Team mourn her loss alongside Everybody else!
- Do not fear, Sonic.PST recovered 2 days later!
- This didn't work, by the way.
- Christmas runs rampant across the UnWorld!
- Squeegee serves Weegee Stares at the Krusty Krab!
- Anti-Ducky almost killed Ducky today! Almost.
- A guy steals the Squadala Book and leaks it online!
- The Robotnik Family has just set up their PINGAS Tree!
With this pandemic getting thrown into the limelight, one can only wonder if Captain 0 even has a wife or a child. Does he have an ongoing healthy relationship with his sisters? Is his private sexually-oriented relationship with Tornado Mimi a real thing? Does Captain 0 even have a heterosexual relationship? Is he gay? One thing's for sure: The answers are on the Coffee®!
A (very lengthy) interview with Captain 0 was conducted quite recently with Coffee journalists. In this, he's continuously denied the existence of 0. Jr and his supposedly "unnamed" wife. He has also continuously denied his sexual status and has take an asexual stance on this nature. Captain 0 has also denied the existence of his genitals in an explicit (and now cut) part of an interview, proving an already well-known fact that Number Captains are just robots in vector images. For more information, spill some Coffee® on page 39!
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