Now it's my little cannon, against little ol' you... let's see who wins.
Kaptain Skurvy has deemed that this article is out of line with the generally accepted UnAnything Wiki canon. Please edit this article to have it fit in the wiki's canonical timeline or see the relevant discussion on the talk page. Otherwise, another lizard might come in with a much larger, more dangerous cannon and suck it up!
Now it's my little cannon, against little ol' you... let's see who wins.
Kaptain Skurvy has deemed that this article is out of line with the generally accepted UnAnything Wiki canon. Please edit this article to have it fit in the wiki's canonical timeline or see the relevant discussion on the talk page. Otherwise, another lizard might come in with a much larger, more dangerous cannon and suck it up!
Gorbachev; tear down this wall.
—Ronald Reagan on Mikhail Gorbachev
Did somebody say Birthmarx?
—Gorbachev, before killing Bernie Sanders
Mikhail Aboschrovi Yevgenya Bibliochev Orgamanorov Bomberbov Bombovich Dabombevov Vynnyzynnyzchayov Gumbobumbosovietasokikovorambobomboroshiggychto Ujeh "The Shaker" Gorbachev is the host with the most glasnost and the man who reached one Gorbillion UnDollars. He was the General Secretary of the Soviet Union for a really long time; after the end of times, until some blue girl called Charlotte demoted him to First Secretary of the Russian Party of the United Republic of Russia. He was the best General Secretary because he turned Soviet Russia into an epic state of Rave Party and Peace Day Parade Every Day.
He jumped into a vat of acid once and then turned into a "faded cheese" color. He had to get glasses after that.
His greatest rival is Vladimir Putin of Non-Soviet Russia.
Origins[]
Mikhail Gorbachev was born in Soviet Russia under Stalin's Rule, his least favorite rule. Shortly after he was born, a little bit of ketchup fell on his head and made a permanent Russia-shaped mark on his head. He saw how utter garbage his and everyone else's lives were in comparison to the much freer UnAmerica and Europe, so instead of running away like most cowards, he decided to stay in Soviet Russia and destroy the Communist Party from the inside.
Vladimir Lenin was another guy who was going to destroy the Soviet Union someday, so Gorbachev secretly met up with him to discuss plans. Lenin was already a member of the Communist Party and he planned to kill Joseph Stalin and burn down the Union in 1991. Gorbachev planned to get into the Communist Party and dispose of the Socialists one by one and restructure the entire Union for more glass and nostrils. During this meeting, Lenin said true Communist things, as in the Anarchy part of it, and because Gorbachev doesn't like Anarchists, he disposed of Lenin all the way to Mexico.
Relationship With Ketchup[]
The falling blob of ketchup that gave Gorbachev his "birthmark" is the worst thing that happened in his life. He suspected that that was the joint effort of Stalin and Burger King to get him to be made fun of all his life. This realization got him to become more fervorous in his pursuit to fix the Soviet Union. He forgot about that and then blamed Stalin and Ronald McDonald for the mark on his head. When McDonald reminded him that the Burger King did it, Gorbachev sued him and the Burger King for putting ketchup on his head.
The Soviet courts ruled that the stain must be checked for any tomato DNA and see if it matches the DNA of McDonald's or Burger King ketchup. After the DNA testing, the scientists found that it was (not Colonel) Sanders' Communist Ketchup, but to prevent their deaths, they lied to the courts and said that there were no tomato DNA on Gorbachev's head; they told the courts that it was a birthmark.
Nobody won the case (because the winners were Capitalists) and nobody lost the case. But Gorbachev felt like he lost his house and grew to hate the Communist Party even more.
Rise to Power[]
Gorbachev wanted to join the Communist Party, so he was assigned to spying on Soviet Russia's enemies by some guy. He didn't really do anything useful for the Communist Party, but the Party thought he was being useful. He simply created fake information by using Photoshop and Microsoft Word to create fake images and newspapers to show to the Communist Party info spy guys.
Gorbachev was such a valuable spy for the Party, that he rose up the ranks in leadership. Now he could make speeches and stuff that could be used to incriminate other members of the Party. He found out some party members were Super Socialists, Complete Communists and the like, and used the power of Stalin's paranoia to get them to become deaded. Bernie Sanders, Stalin's First Secretary, was so impressed with Gorbachev's dedication to finding and killing enemies from within that he gave Gorbachev another promotion. Now, Gorbachev had the third highest power rank in the Communist Party, since most other members were dead or dying. He used this power to publicly denounce Burger King and McDonald's for causing his birthmark, getting him plenty of praise from the People and Joseph Stalin himself. However, doing that made him officially the enemy of McWorld and the house of The King of Burgers. Gorbachev got a telegram from Ronald McDonald, informing him to McWatch out for some McSoldiers who have just McEntered the McSoviet McUnion, and prepare for some McRecreational McNukes. Gorbachev also got a message delivered by a peasant of the Burger King that told him to get ready for a Whopper Whopping fist to the face. He discounted those messages as stupid things to make him scared since he has better things to do.
Maximum Power[]
Stalin DIED and Gorbachev and Bernie Sanders were at his funeral. Bernie announced that he is the new leader of the Communist Party and Soviet Russia. He entrusted Gorbachev as his First Secretary, a BIG mistake. This gave Gorbachev the power to search in the files of Communist Party members. He found a file that detailed Gorbachev's court thing with Ronald McDonald and The King of Burgers. It was written that the scientists lied about the birthmark thing, and that it was Bernie Sanders who put his brand of ketchup on Gorbachev's head. This obviously got Gorbachev furious (and a little insane), who wouldn't be mad about that? Gorbachev, with a TT pistol, walked into Bernie's office and talked to him about birthmarks and ketchup. When Bernie mocked Gorbachev about the ketchup stain, Gorb shot him in the head. He then destroyed the pistol.
Gorbachev announced to the People that Comrade Bernie Sanders is taking a long trip to Siberia and told that he is the new General Secretary and is making immediate changes.
As General Secretary[]
After Bernie's body got dumped into the Siberian snow, Gorbachev took it upon himself to eliminate the Communism from the Communist Party and embrace freedom and stuff. He didn't call what he was doing UnCommunism because that would be too suspicious. Instead, he called it Glass and Nostril, or Glasnost for short. This policy made the Soviet Union finally freer, allowing people to be able to travel all over the world, express their stupid opinions, and leave the gulags. He made those gulags into fun fun happy parks instead of meat grinders. There were parties every night because the people made businesses (known as offices) so they could finally party.
McSoviet Burger War[]
Some days after Gorbachev's usurpation, McWorld and The King of Burgers's house declared war on Soviet Russia. (They also declared war on each other 15 years later, but who cares.)
This was a short war because The King of Burgers's army was barely anything at all and the McArmy didn't have advanced enough food tools yet. Despite McWorld's apparent weakness in weaponry, they flew to the southwestern border of Soviet Russia and began staging an attack on Moscow. Gorbachev began to mobilize a defense against the McThreat with the oversupply of old T-34 tanks. The McArmy entered Moscow, wanting to turn it into McMoscow, after some condiment artillery coating the city in ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and others. The defensive T-34s took hits for the soldiers with PPSh submachine guns and shot the soldiers of the McArmy with their big guns. The McArmy used high velocity automatic mustard launchers since mustard is the most acidic of condiments and if it goes at a high enough velocity, it could crater human skin.
Gorbachev woke up to ketchup covering up the street. He tasted it and liked it. Then suddenly, McArmy soldiers and Ronald McDonald surrounded Gorbachev and took him back into the Kremlin. They were able to do this by simply walking around the single line of tanks and soldiers. Gorbachev was forced to listen to McDonald's plan for McMoscow. He asked for peace talks but McDonald said nooo, instead, nobody would know that Gorbachev is dead. And then suddenly, a few Soviet Russian soldiers broke through the door and pointed real guns at McDonald's head, as Mikhail Gorbachev asked for him to reconsider peace offerings. Ronald agreed and told all of his McArmy to go back to McWorld. Gorbachev considers this his BAMF moment and the reason why he's called "The Shaker".
After all of the ketchup and not ketchup was cleaned up, Gorbachev declared that the first Biannual Peace Day Parade be commenced.
Rivalry with Putin[]
Gorbachev was looking forward to working with another Vladimir when Putin won the 2000 election. Unfortunately, Putin didn't want to work with Soviet Russia because he wanted to combine the Russias with himself as the leader. This ideal would be displayed when Putin said he was the President of Soviet Russia, disrespecting Gorbachev. Gorbachev wanted to prove that he was the best General Secretary in history and that he is far more powerful than Putin. He did two supermajor things that would convince everyone.
Gorbachev's Car[]
This is his car. It could roll over any Panzer!
Gorbachev would start the construction of an insanely awesome car that would prove that he is more epic than Putin. It was his own design, so it had to be perfectly built. It was a car that was to cause earthquakes when it started driving. It had to play awesome Russian music. It had to be armored. It had to be double-barreled. And it had to be on tracks. What was his design that showcased pure awesomeness? It was a huge superheavy tank.
It is completely functional. It had mega thick armor that would allow the people inside to be bulletproof without the use of an Übercharge! If the time came, Gorbachev would personally drive this thing straight all the way to New Moscow and steamroll the entire city. Or he would hide in it in an underground bunker so he could be invincible and wait until the dust cleared.
This tank should've been enough for Putin to stop messing with Gorbachev, but he didn't stop until...
1 Gorbillion UnDollars[]
"No Doubt!"
Gorbachev is the guy who found out that he made Soviet Russia one Gorbillion UnDollars. That's a lot, a LOT of money! He made the one Gorbillion UnDollar bill in collaboration with the Bank of UnWorld, in which they told him that he had to delete one Gorbillion UnDollars before they could give him the bill. He did just that and he was given a one Gorbillion UnDollar bill.
The bill features Gorbachev making the deal Ronald McDonald, being completely confident and adamant about the transaction. Obviously, that's just propaganda!
This bill proved that Gorbachev is superior to Vladimir Putin. Even Putin agreed that he couldn't compete, since he couldn't reach 1 Vladimillion UnDollars, and stopped being a troll.
World War III[]
Mikhail was one of the guys that wanted to teach Marguerite Williams a lesson in respect, so he had no issue in making a giant military to destroy Germany right away, but some girl with her sweet words and sobbing convinced Gorbachev to not yet start an offensive because of "needless death of people" or something like that. He hadn't started an offensive until Germany was done invading France and started going east, that's when he gave the 9001st Order of The Second Race to Berlin, where military production would be multiplied by 5 and the soldiers would not stop going forward until they pacified Berlin. He realized that that was stupid when a million of his soldiers were killed on day one of the assault, so he made the 9002nd Order of Holding the Iron Curtain, where soldiers were to bunker in on the eastern borders of Lithuania, Belarus, the Ukraine, and Romania, and the northern border of Croatia.
During this time, Gorbachev jumped into a vat of acid and turned pale yellow. He did this because it was to prove that he could ignore pain and hoped that it would inspire the soldiers to fight harder.
Sometime later, Gorbachev would enjoin Soviet Russia and the Pacifist Organization of Overaggressive protection since the frontlines were being slowly pierced through and needed assistance. Gorbachev also made an agreement with Non-Soviet Russia to unite into one state, since Non-Soviet Russia was just being abused by Germany for some reason. With the alliance, Gorbachev gained a whole bunch of bombs, and he realized that he forgot that Soviet Russia had a surplus of huge bombs. So (no one advised him to do this) he approved the launch of several huge missiles and the use of the old SCUD Launchas against Germany, specifically Berlin.
After winning World War III, Gorbachev approved the Quadannual Super Peace Day Parade to celebrate the winning of World War III.
Demotion[]
this is him and Charlotte
After World War 3, Gorbachev would be demoted to First Secretary of Russia because Charlotte became the General President. He wasn't jealous at all, of course not! Rather, he was relieved to not be responsible for so many things. He would be in the New NEW NEW World Order discussions right next to Charlotte, since he knew how to make a deal and shake hands.
After those discussions, Gorbachev made a speech about his demotion. He mentioned how it's for the greater good, yada yada yada, but what's interesting was that he changed his mind about his ketchup stain (not to mention his yellow skin) and how he has never been prouder to have a "birthmark" in the shape of Russia.