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UnAnything Wiki
UnAnything Wiki
" MEDIC! "
  —Many people
  —Dudes asking for him to give his medical attention.

He's thinking of ways to kill you!

You thought this was going to be a page about the other medic! How wrong and stupid you are! While you're here, you might as well want to meet the Medic, also known as a Combat Medic. The Medic is a well-trained mercenary hired by Bowser for security at Koopa Tower. Gravel wars? Nah, this medic is getting too many frags! He wears protective equipment so he doesn't get hurt, but likes to hurt others for the hell of it.


Medic holding his First Aid kit during his former years, picture taken circa 2000

Not much is known about the Medic's origins, but what we do know he was born very early on in the 20th century, and was granted normal immortality by Billy Mays for telling him how to get rid of his morbid diabeetus.


One day in Teletubby Land, all of the Teletubbies were all sad. They sat in their beds all day, and lacked any apatite for food, not even eating Tubby Toast or Tubby Custard. This caused the Teleconomy in Teletubby Land to crash straight into the floor, and the non-sad Teletubbies set up a lemonade stand and called it a psychiatric ward to try to cheer up their friends, and stop this economic recession.

The Teletubbies hired some folk outside of Teletubby Land hired medical professionals such as Dr. Mario, Dr. Robotnik, Dr. Van Nostrand, and this guy. All of them sucked at the whole therapist thing, but the combat medic sucked the least of all of them and so he stayed. He was given permission to stay in the empty room of the Home Dome, and within 4 days solved all the mental problems of all the Teletubbies, making them happy again. During his stay at Teletubby Land to keep his own insanity in check, he hunted the local hares with his trusty Super Nailgun and roasted them over an open fire. You could say... the rabbits are the hunted.

The Medic for some reason liked being there in Teletubby Land, perhaps tubby spores in the air was altering his brain patterns and he was being brainwashing into become a teletubby slave or something. Eh, who cares? But his appreciation didn't stop him from being kicked out of Teletubby Land for a week for being useless, until he started to smuggle perscribe Teletubbies some narcotics and illegal drugs. The teletubbies like their narcotics, and rationed with the Medic "If you get us enough free heroine and administer enough free morphine, we'll build you a clinic in the Home Dome! Bob the Builder will even build it!" Now You may ask yourself, "How much illegal s%^& did the Medic give in order to make this come true?" and the total amounted to about $20 for the Home Dome Clinic. That might not seem like a lot but keep in mind in today's money that's about $24,616,920.

The drug trafficking and drug operations continued for years, so long that the Medic was even there to uhh... "handle" the births of the Tiddlytubbies, yuck... He also learnt a lot about the teletubbies in that time, from all the times they overdosed and died. Stuff like 1. How they were all born on February 20th, 2. They were all born in the year ████, as well as 3. The fact Dipsy has PINK BLOOD in his system. Unfortunately for him the feds found out about all this stuff and the fact he was a bad doctor so they sentenced him to the Cadbury Prison Jail Factory for his entire life. Unfortunately or rather fortunately, he has infinite years to live. But then was pardoned to go help research the Coronavirus vaccine.

Medical Career

The Medic was sent to the gravel wars not to get frags, but to test out the vaccine on living people. He was immediately tried in courts for other high crimes and misdemenors, to be sent to The German Prison for doing the bad thing. However his lawyer argued the medicine man was just trying to smuggle the Teletubbies the latest version of WhatsApp into their country where it is banned, and was released on parole. What did he do after? He started giving his enemies of the gravel war AIDS for the lulz and to get frags this time. This Combat Medic doesn't mess around with his lazar cannons and stuff that's 4 sure! He did eventually come back round to Teletubby Land however to perscribe them the true vaccines to them all, including Noo-Noo despite the fact that one is a robot.


First Aid kit

He has first aid to spread AIDS and the Coronavirus with, breaking the Geneva Convention by using biological warfare because why not. It is written he uses it to heal people, but this is a myth. Except on the one really specific occasion that Evil Evil Evil Guy got shoop da whooped by Captain 9, that's when he used the miracle cure of bandages just to help out. Legend has it that he himself has the Coronavirus and AIDS, and thus is immune to the effects of this biological weapon.


TFC No speak Americano

Medic's theme song


Another Geneva Convention breaking thing for the Medic to carry on him, a pretty weak weapon that sometimes is used. He used it to defeat Bowser one time while his Super Shotgun had no ammo, which is cool I guess.

Super Shotgun

The most powerful weapon at his disposal, better than the standard Shotgun, First Aid kit, and Super Nailgun in every way. You can guess that the word "combat" in "combat medic" defines more who he is than an actual combat medic. Almost never will you see this medic without it.

Super Nailgun

Best for taking out the engineer's buildings that's for sure! Legend has it, he traveled back in time to crucify Jesus with this weapon. It got ripped off by the Festive Medic with his Syringe Gun.