I kill you!
—Joe Bigman, in response to some rando-mosquito in his house.
Joe Bigman is a man named Joe who is quite big. He is from Mexico, and we know that because he calls his house his, "casa" and not house like an English man. Joe Bigman is enemies with the general mosquito population. He is well known for his statuesque looks and buff musculature, matched only by Brody Foxx unless you count all those other dudes. Joe Bigman is also a travel emcee that will take you around the UnWorld and back. In his older days, he tended to dance on live television with his sexy senorita.
As a man who has gone around the world and back, Joe Bigman is open to try anything and is a genuinely nice guy in this crazy stirring UnUniverse full of bad dudes. He is wilping to take you around the world and back if you ask him to. Some people think he is actually KEL in another timeline, but that's a bit too much. Joe Bigman's love has limits, however, as shown by his near-psychopathic reactions towards the existence of sapient mosquitoes.
History[]
Childhood and After[]
Joe Bigman was born was born to a family of five Mexican men in Mexico, man! As they are people, his family liked to eat food. One time they went out for some Starbucks and they found a Chupacabra. Joe Bigman oafishly tried to play with it, when it bit him. Joe Bigman began to bleed, and bleed, and bleed some more. Eventually, it began to look like The Day of All the Blood out there. Eventually, to make sure no vampires would come for Joe Bigman, they got a prophet to sing a holy hymn and stop Joe's blood flow so they could apply a bandage. All the excess blood would be sealed under the Bigman family casa.
Joe Bigman's life was saved, however, a pair of mosquito rapscallions (named John and Paul, which sounds like the names of people who you'd meet at a church) would catch wind of the blood stockpile under his family home. Joe Bigman would have to spend day after day fending himself and his relatives from these dirty mosquitoes. Eventually, he took up dancing in order to escape mosquito hell. At age 17, he met a woman he found attractive, and they had been friends ever since. Unfortunately, she eventually fell for Joe Bigman's rival: El Macho.
Joe Leaves the House[]
Eventually, John and Paul would kill all of Joe Bigman's family by sucking all their blood. Joe decided that there was no reason for him to stay at hom once this happened, but he simply hadn't the ability to leave his country, for it was all he ever knew. Eventually, he took a spaceship and used it to go to space (remember, space isn't a country). Using this ship, he flew to the Galactic Nova and asked if it could give him a car with infinite gas mileage. Galactic Nova said, "3... 2... 1... GO!!" and a car flew into Joe's spaceship, causing it to hurtle back to Mexico and asplode! Joe survived however, and used it to go on a world tour!
This might be scarier than any intentionally creepy thing on this whole wiki.
Joe would become qualified enough to become a certified travel emcee, solely because of how much he travels. He is loco loco, hence why people call him, "Mr. Loco Loco"! However, John and Paul are persistent, and they will not rest, they will not sleep for an instant, until they suck his blood. A ssuch, Joe Bigman is constantly on the move, and probably will be until the End of Days.
Travel Plans[]
Past[]
Joe Bigman has done this stuff:
- Tried to relieve his mosquito problem in Mexico, with poor results.
- Travelled the continential United States of UnAmerica under the guise of Chuck Norris to get women, and them lost them due to his gum addiction.
- Tried curry in India (that didn't go well).
- Married a woman from the Mushroom Kingdom for her food to gain Level 3 Super Fat (she died because their honeymoon was on the Queen Zenobia).
- Sung his praises to Germany for existing, not for any ulterior motives... we swear!
- Played bagpipes in Scotland (he got a cold and had to go to the Festive Medic, back in Germany).
- Looked for a coconut he lost in The Pirate Bay, he really loved that coconut.
- Did literally everything one could possibly do in Pac-Land (a Short Beaked Echidna mugged him).
- Danced with a hula hoop in Hawaii so that the Tapu could give him their blessings (Eevee was rolling in her... she isn't dead, right?).
- Gone to Hong Kong and got with an Asian chick.
- United all the animals in Africa to put a stop to PETA's nonsensical antics.
- Danced the funny squat dance with Dr. Robotnik in Soviet Russia.
- Yelled some random shit in Brazil.
Future[]
Joe Bigman plans on doing these things:
- Put on a puppet show in the Ducky Empire without being beaten up.
- Exist in Teletubby Land.
- Reclaim Australia from the Pac-People (godspeed, Joe Bigman).
- Hone his Expand Dong powers at Donkey Kong Country.
- Travel to Egypt to see what all this fuss about this zone thing is all about.
External Links[]
The Slap Heard Across the UnWorld
Joe Bigman bitch slaps you and you fly (at a moderately slow pace) across every country on the UnWorld, breaking everything you hit. You don't come back to your original point until 11 hours after. Suprisingly, it hurts about as bad as a normal fall.
The Slap Heard Across the UnWorld
Joe Bigman bitch slaps you and you fly (at a moderately slow pace) across every country on the UnWorld, breaking everything you hit. You don't come back to your original point until 11 hours after. Suprisingly, it hurts about as bad as a normal fall.