- One of the worst films ever to exist.
- —Johnny C. on Hajime Kunihiro Dies
- Can we just get on with the damn page already?
- —Trent Reznor
Hajime Kunihiro Dies is the title of an aptly named drama/action film released by Universal Studios on October 5th, 2003. It was directed by Uwe Boll and starred Hajime Kunihiro (herself) and Rodney Conodney (Trent Reznor) as the main cast members. In respect to its title, it follows the story of Hajime Kunihiro's death, which is the very last panel of the movie; the entire title spoiling it in general. Upon its release, the movie was almost universally panned by critics, receiving a "Rotten" score of 11% on the Rotten Tomatoes movie reviewing site. Despite this, the movie was viewed in many theaters, receiving a grand total of 15,000,000$ budget.
Hajime Kunihiro Dies takes place in August, 1999. The basic plot centers around two police having to take down an underground terrorist factory run by Al-Qaeda. As the authorities begin to investigate the case, they dispatch the two officers out into the city to discover the base and take it down.
The film begins with a view of Hajime Kunihiro (herself) and her assistant Rodney Conodney (Trent Reznor) speeding through the Nevada desert and heading towards the grand city of Las Vegas. Conodney receives a message on his walkie talkie, which he pulls out and answers. It is none other than the duo's boss, Michael Jones (Gandalf the Wizard) screaming at them to hurry up. Here, the basic plot is revealed; a terrorist group has supposedly formulated in the deepest, darkest slums of Las Vegas.
In the following scene, the whereabouts of the group are revealed. Inside a dull, decrepit room sits Saddam Hussein (Tom Hanks), the main antagonist of the movie, who is studying the movements of the officers via newspaper. Now knowing the intentions of the officers, he sets up his henchmen to guard the base at all costs in order to protect his weapon of mass destruction, Warioware Fart Containment; a large capsule shaped like an ecstasy pill that contains over ten trillion pounds of Wario fart gas - enough smell to wipe out twice the size of Texas.
As the news of the underground terrorist groups begins to spread throughout the city, panic arises in the streets, and Hajime and Rodney finally arrive at the city. As a riot begins to form due to the news, Rodney and Hajime quickly retreat to the subway station, where they meet the ticketmaster and train conductor (Varg Vikernes). Hajime pays him, and herself and Rodney enter the train.
About halfway through the ride, the train stops and Kunihiro and Conodney step out and make it into the ghetto sections of the city, after about twelve minutes of pointless dialogue exchange between the two companions on the train. Upon their arrival, it is now nighttime, and Kunihiro estimates that the factory will probably release it's men and its weapon of mass destruction in under ten minutes and send the city into even more chaos.
Rodney discovers an old Cadillac and opens the door, to see the old, greasy driver (Fred Phelps) sleeping inside next to his collection of Playsquid Magazines. Rodney throws him out and himself and Kunihiro enter the car and take off towards the GPS location of the factory.
Upon arrival, the two stop right behind an army of police, holding their guns up to the base at the top of the hill. Army tanks are lined besides them, and as the two officers step out, they meet up with Michael Jones who informs them that the base is cornered.
Hajime, however, gets a strange gut feeling inside of her and, without warning, charges towards the doors of the base. Rodney follows her, unaware of her intentions, and the two enter the massive double doors of the headquarters.
A security guard (Howard the Duck) sees this, and in a panic, trips over his cup of coffee (inconveniently left on the floor) and accidentally falls upon the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button. Soon, the base begins to rumble and starts to slowly fall apart from inside itself, engulfing itself in flames.
Kunihiro and Rodney make it to the staircase and halfway through, the middle section burns down. Rodney is stuck on the other side and Hajime is stuck opposite of him, with no way to cross the gap for either of them. Hajime and Rodney agree to split up and plan to regroup somehow.
Rodney descends back down his half of the stairs and enters a room. He gleefully notices that there is another staircase connecting to the upstairs, but all of a sudden, a figure jumps in front of him. This figure, Randal (Natalie Portman) attempts to attack him with her slime powers but he quickly disintegrates her with his eye lazers and descends up the stairs.
He quickly meets Kunihiro again, and they both enter the next door. There is Saddam, who panics as he has no weapons as the two begin firing at him. He falls through a trap door leading into a fiery pit. Hajime lands safely and into the basement; whereas Rodney is not so lucky, as he is caught on a wire in the gap and is now dangling above the machine. His handgun drops and breaks over Saddam's head, killing him. Rodney demands Hajime to throw up her gun at him so he can take aim at the destruction machine and blow it up inside of the base before it can destroy the entire country.
Both of them say their heartfelt goodbyes, and Hajime tearfully escapes through a tube slide and flies out into the night wind and grabs onto a tree branch. In the distance, the house explodes, and the country is saved; however, Saddam's corpse comes flying from the rubble and knocks Hajime over from the tree and into a black hole in the Earth, killing her. The movie ends and the credits roll, reciting a cover of the song "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield sung by Porkey Minch.
The film was panned worldwide by critics, mostly for its improbable plot twist and utterly pointless, stupid exposition scenes.