i've lost control of my life. Stu Pickles
For most of you, I believe there is peace, and perhaps more, waiting for you after the smoke clears. Although, for one of you, the darkest pit of Hell has opened to swallow you whole...so don't keep the Devil waiting, old friend. Stu Pickles on his life
On the outside, it was the perfect life. Two beautiful children, a wife with clown hair, and a moral neighborhood in Germany to raise them in.
But Stu Pickles slowly but surely saw his life fall apart around him. With his wife's affair with Charles (aka Chaz), the army, the death of his beloved son...but we shall soon get to those later. Want to know how? Here is the story, of Stu Pickles, the man who watched his entire life collapse, a man on a hunt for justice. Here is the story, of a true hero.
The Story of Stu Pickles
The Beginning
A man torn.
Only losers make chocolate pudding with themselves.
Stu was born in a small town in Nazi Germany. In his early years, Stu was exposed to nothing but morality. When Stu was only 2, his uncle died of a heart attack after an eating contest.
His mother caressed him gently as poor Stu cried. "Shhh," she said, "he is in a better place now."
Later on in life
Stu in the real world
After forgiving God for his uncle's death, Stu moved onto finally going to school when he was 12. The result was drastic.
"Students," said the teacher, "it is time for your daily math lesson."
The students grumbled, and pulled out their notebooks. Stu didn't know why they looked so mad, and he asked the teacher a question.
"What's a math notebook?" The teacher replied with: "Stu, do you live under a rock? Are you retarded?" After that sentence, his good friend, Billy Mays said: "Big city sliders!" The teacher replied with: "I can't take this crap anymore." The teacher pulled a gun out from under her desk, held it up to her, and pulled the trigger. The whole class was shocked, except for Stu, who laughed like a maniac.
Twisted Beyond Help
Years later, Stu Pickles had retreated to a solitary life in his German home. Though there were occasional problems, he was mostly better off. But then she came, and Stu's life was to never be the same. Returning from her service in the War of 1812, his young niece Angelica Pickles had returned. She had come to get revenge on Tommy Pickles through his father. Angelica tortured him for years, until every last bit of him was broken. He seemed okay at first, but it would soon prove she had turned a problematic soul into a complete lunatic.
A Family Man
Stu had a thing for jail birds that looked like clowns, so when he saw this girl, he knew that he had to marry her so he could have children that looked like Tom Hanks. They got married, and had two kids named Tommy and Dill. Neither of them looked like Tom Hanks. Because of this, he sold his children to Vendetta Williams and got two other children. He developed an addiction to YouTube that seemed unstoppable. Luckily his family hired Dr. Rabbit, the worlds only rabbit dentist/psychiatrist. He was cured of his addiction to YouTube and stopped killing people. He became a law abiding citizen, until he discovered his wife was cheating on him.
Stu's Breakdown
Stu's drug addiction caused him to do bad things to historical figures.
Shortly after learning about his wife's affair with Chaz, he turned back to his life of crime. He became heavily dependent on alcohol and murder. He went on a killing spree in Pittsburgh, which took the lives of half of the cities veterinarians. He traveled to Philadelphia and desecrated the grave if Benjamin Franklin. He vowed revenge on his former friend, and promised to stop at nothing until he was dead.
The Origins of A Killer
The face of a drug addicted murderer.
When attending college at Mars University, he went for a stroll. He noticed a Pumkin was walking down the street. He went up to it and said, "Those are some nice pies you make." The Pumkin said, "Thanks, but I don't bake pies." Stu then said, "well I do!" He picked up a brick, and smashed the pumkins face in. The Pumkin let out a horrible cry, that was only met with Stu slicing the Pumkin's throat, so it could no longer scream. Pumkin seeds and guts were everywhere. He had killed a Pumkin with his bare hands without any pity or remorse. He dragged the dead carcass home. He cut it up, and baked it into a pie. He then took the seeds of the unborn Pumkins, baked them in an oven until they died. Two years later, he found a child playing in his yard. He went outside of his house, screamed obscenities, and kidnapped the child. He then ate him too. During the same year, he assaulted a police officer and robbed a McDonald's. He never went to jail, because all of the witnesses were found dead. Coincidence?
The Nigerian Army
During his breakdown, Stu tried to call AARP, however, he accidentally called a Nigerian General. The General was appalled by this man and sent his soldiers after him. Stu was able to kill all of the soldiers and hijack a tank. He drove that tank into his neighborhood on 4/15/2029, and used it to unleash hell upon his former friends. He destroyed all of their houses and material possessions.
Revenge
During Stu's homicidal tank rampage, he attacked Chaz. He held him at gun point and forced him to eat 1,000 Twinkies, which made him suffer a heart attack. He died just like how Chaz killed Stu's uncle. He then ate his wife and children. He then cloned them and made sure they did all of his chores.
Stu's Achievements
Stu is a disco champion who likes to get down and dirty. He used to own a disco necklace owned by the Beegees, but his dog, Spike, ate it. So in turn, he ate his dog and retrieved his necklace. He calls it a "neat conversation piece." Stu also made infinite amounts of chocolate pudding at 4.am but everyone finds chocolate pudding sickly so Nobody cares.