- Castro? Oh, I don't care about him, I'm just doing it to see some more people die and get me more money.
- —Toka Ryuumonbuchi on her alliance with Castro
- That is one tasty doughnut.
- —Jack Thompson on Castro's delicious, glazed face.
Fidel Castro is a man who tragically cannot spell his own name. While that is true, the most notable thing about him (which, you would think, be stated first) is that he is the ruler of the Cubic Empire. An extremely cruel dictator, Castro was a masochist and sadist, as well as a heavy believer in anti-blue people. Normally, Castro relishes the sight of towers blowing up and his misogynist brother, Raul, throwing dirt in his face.
Castro was born to an unknown Indian couple alongside the mountains of Tibet. His mother was severely injured by the time she had birthed Castro, and died just seconds after birthing him because of the freezing cold and injury.
Throughout the entirety of Castro's childhood, he grew up in a Sun Baked Snow Cave beside the mountains, where his father, Senor Manuel Castro, abused and neglected him, blaming him for his wife's death. This is where Fidel Castro got his nasty streak, as he eventually lost it and threw his father off a cliff. Unfortunately, his father was a bird, and he flew away.
Fidel Castro tried to get his revenge by throwing rocks at his father, but he missed. Thus, he vowed someday to acquire heavy artillery and blast his father out of the sky. He never succeeded, as Manuel Castro was reported MIA.
Coming to Power
After losing sight of his father for good, Fidel Castro decided to take over the Cubic Empire by solving the Rubix Cube. He tried for years and years, but consistently failed because of his puny bird-brain, which he inherited from his father. Eventually, Fidel Castro decided to cheat and look up the way to solve a Rubix Cube in the Enclosed Instruction Book. He succeeded at long last, becoming the tyrannical dictator of the Cubic Empire.
Then, in 1962, Fidel Castro decided to become a terrorist and launch a barrage of missiles at the United States of America and declare war on them for no diplomatic reason other than to scare the pants off of the American citizens. He failed pathetically, as his missiles were all made of tobacco. They were eventually converted into giant cigars, which Fidel Castro would smoke for the rest of his life.
Years later, in 1995, Fidel Castro tried his very first doughnut. He loved it more than anything else, deciding to make doughnuts the national import of the Cubic Empire and even glazing his face to look like a doughnut. This drove the Cubic Empire to bankruptcy, and Fidel Castro was eventually ousted in a coup d'etat. He did, however, manage to impress Jack Thompson with his tasty face, as Jack Thompson was quoted for remarking "That is one tasty donut". Note that Jack Thompson spells "doughnut" wrong, even in his speech.
Fidel Castro eventually died of cancer in 2006, most likely due to all the oversized cigars he smoked. He was thrown into the ocean, where all terrorists are thrown after they die. Then, his corpse settled on the ocean floor, where it was salvaged by The Sacred Bonemans and brought into a cave. Since then, it has become a tradition for The sacred Bonemans to eat one of Fidel Castro's body parts as an initiation ritual.
Fidel Castro died again in 2015 due to Chuck Norriseegee's stare.