I, Dry Bones, the raddest modaphucka of all time, is the second Koopa to ever exist. After Bowser, I am the oldest Koopa ever. I amso old that all of my organs and flesh have decomposed away, leaving just the skeleton behind, and I am now undead as a result of somehow still being animate. This makes me impossible to kill, so I am one of the most frustrating enemies in all of the Mario shames.
I was created by Bowser about 1000 BC. Bowser brainwashed me and made me the first Koopa Troopa. I fought loyally (and brainwashed) for a thousand years. However, the fighting was so rough for me, I slowly started to wear away until I was nothing more than a skeleton. This is me. ITS ME.
After realizing my age, never-ending animation and sentience made me immortal, Bowser started aging other Koopas. However, this just made them grow white beards and aventually turn into dust, as they did not go through the same process as I. So, Bowser decided just to clone me instead. There are now hundreds of mes running around the UnWorld. Cool! I also killed Bowser using my raging boner and a paintbrush.
I am no longer feared like he used to be, because Mario, the so called Koopa-killing expert, discovered the weaknesses of Koopas. Now, I'm considered somewhat weak, and have been mostly replaced by Boos. Bowser Jr. even got back at me with his own brush, and he stole mine after throwing me into a chopper. I had fun sticking the Gadd Brush inside Bowser, and I have to wear an eyepatch because I look so much more badass with one. Bowser took my lame eye out before I killed him, and I exist for no reason than to help my true master, Ganondorf. I will only die on my own terms, and that was to sack myself so that Ganondorf could kill Bowser Jr. and his friends. They were for some reason standing outside Ganondorf's castle naked, watching as Jr. fought my master. But screw those guys, especially Toad! He is the only one who can snap Jr. out of the constant mindrapes Ganondorf and I gave him, and he is a completely insane nutjob who interrupts fights. HALLE-FUCKING-LLUJAH!
I can throw bones that act like boomerangs and spit blue fire. Blue fire is hotter than red fire, so if Mario gets hit by this, he will instantly be small. If he's small or mini, he is DIE. I'm also a master manipulator, using my shame Mario Kart dS to remind people that I am one of their memories so that they can serve me better. After Bowser Jr., Toad and Rosalina teamed up at Evil School, I disguised himself as Goomba so that Bowser Jr. would believe Rosalina and her friends were still evil. We know that Joel was directly responsible for killing Bowser, but (SPOILER: ITS ME). I am also strong enough to break the fourth wall, trolling those who play my shames and watch my films about human musings and wizardry and Pokémonz and welcoming them to my greatest invention of all, THE RUNWAY OF DOOM! This is what allowed me to introduce Ganondorf's Beast Ganon transformation, which again, I sacrificed myself to so I could help him MAKE EVERYTHING DIE. I was given the badass powers to turn my body parts into weapons, and you wonder why you call me Dry Bones. I can LITERALLY KILL PEOPLE WITH MY BONER! My hands can become scythes, kind of like T-1000, but I can just find weakpoints and rip them out! This is how I defeated Toadette, Funky Kong, Luigi, and Ludwig Von Koopa with such ease. I can make anybody lose their cool at will, so this makes me proud to be an uber mega super troll 9001. You do NOT HAVE ANY OF THESE, BITCH! YOU ARE ALL ANTS TO ME, AND I WILL FEED YOU MY PESTICIDES ANT FARM TO TABLE!
|The Mario Gang|
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