Dave Blunts (full legal name David Bluntholomew) is a rapper and internet guy with a "large" personality, known for his hit song "The Cup". Born on July 1st, 2001, this 600-pound beast was shoved out of the womb and set on a quest to become the fattest rapper on UnEarth. I mean really, let's give some credit to his mother. She must've had a pretty big vagoogoo to push him out. As we all know, growing up is not a concept. Despite what one would initially gather from his last name being indicative of rolling up a doobie, Dave Blunts' bad habit of choice (ignoring Fast Food Night) is sipping on that pure purp, otherwise known as Promethazine, a syrup used to make Lean.
Now, I'm no Walter White, nor a Chris McLean, so I'm not too knowledgeable on the creative process of preparing Lean, but I imagine if there's such thing as Promethazine, there's got to be Noobmethazine and Hackermethazine too, right? Maybe even Godmethazine? Don't even get me started on Proyouthazine...
Appearance[]
Being at a whopping 600 pounds, Dave Blunts' physique is closer to that of a bean bag than that of a human being. This is not helped by the fact that Mr. Blunts is almost never standing upright, and prefers to sit down, making him literally look like a bean bag in the corner of a room. Many pictures of him feature him wearing the same black and grey hoodie, which I cannot blame him for - at his size, changing in and out of anything must be a hassle (perhaps he sleeps in it), let alone finding anything in his size. Sometimes, he is also seen wearing a turquoise shirt, which I can only presume to be what he wears underneath his hoodie. Blunts also has black hair, although not much of it. Above all else, no matter what, his hand is always firmly gripping a cup of Lean.
Personality[]
Dave Blunts' personality is similar to that of "one of a villain's two goofy sidekicks". He's like the Grounder to a Scratch, just give or take a couple hundred pounds. A lot of the time, he acts almost bumbling and carefree, his nerves probably aided by all the Lean he sips. No wonder he doesn't want to put down the cup. Despite everything, all the obvious jokes made at his expense, and the direness of his situation, he still has a lot of love in his heart for those around him... unless you're part of The Wolk Agenda. Yep. He's not too big on that stuff. Well, now that I say that, I suppose he's big about anything, really.
Life[]
Early Life[]
Not much is known about Blunts's early life or his childhood. However, one thing we do know is that as a young child, he inadvertently contributed to the success of the Rubber Ducks' war waged against Toy Soldiers because he decided to yeet Captain Duckypants towards a nearby Toys R'Us where the battle would take place. He was quoted as yelling "FUNNY DUCK" when he did this. This meant that he wouldn't need to go with the riskier option ot taking a car to get there.
Releasing "The Cup"[]
Dave Blunts served up "The Cup" to the world on June 21st, 2024, similarly to how a waiter serves an irritable family of four their undercooked meal at a restaurant barely managing to stay open. In other words, it got basically no clout. How could Dave Blunts afford to eat 'til the 7th course every night now?
The Cup's Music Video[]

Dave Blunts falling through the sky in the music video. Note the usage of a CGI model as he is physically unable to get himself into this position
On December 3rd 2024, Dave Blunts released the music video for The Cup. Now, you may wonder why he would release a music video to a song he released a couple months ago, but if you were to use your eyeballs and watch the video, you would understand why. The music video for "The Cup" is a cinematographic masterpiece in all forms, from the ill-fitting cottagecore nature visuals to the iconic scene of Dave Blunts falling in some strange cloudy location, surely about to leave a deadly crater with a radius of 3 KFCs when he eventually lands on the floor. Upon the premiere of such Absolute Cinema, millions of dim-witted simpletons from TikTok stopped turning a blind eye to Blunts' talents and admitted that it was, in their words, "peak". It was as if The Cup was the leftovers from Fast Food Night uncaringly tossed into the bin (inaccurate, Dave Blunts savours every last bite), and TikTokers were here scraping through to get their money's worth. Either way, everyone was a winner here - Blunts was doing well for himself, and TikTokers around the world had a funny new tune.
Drinking the Lean Ocean[]
Once upon a time in the big 2024, Lean-Mr. Krabs was mucking about with his seemingly infinite resources of Lean and decided to do as he usually does and pollute a nearby ocean with Lean. However, he would not be able to carry out this operation unnoticed, for Dave Blunts was out on a cruise ship celebrating the success of his latest music video, as well as enjoying all the UnDollars he had made for himself. While all of the other members of the ship were busy writing their wills in their rooms, fearing for a second Titanic with the iceberg literally on-board, Blunts was enjoying the view, sipping on a rather tropical variation on his Lean beverage - out of a margarita glass with a lemon slice on the side and one of those little umbrella thingies. Everything seemed to be going as smoothly as Blunts' belly when suddenly he noticed something out of the corner of his pudgy eye. Out in the middle of the ocean was a familiar, purple disturbance - it was Lean-Mr. Krabs pouring gigantic amounts of Lean out to pollute the ocean! No amount of lean is too small for Blunts, so without a second thought, he braced for a jump, weighing the ship down for a brief second, only for that weight to be lifted as he jumped into the ocean with a terrific leap.
The ship arched upward with relief as if a weight on its shoulders had been lifted (because it had, dummy), only for it to remember that every action has an equal and opposite reaction or something IDK whatever crack Newton was smokin'. This is because as Blunts hit the water, He caused a threat level 5 tsunami, capsizing the ship and drowning all the guys inside. On that note, all their wills were destroyed in the wake of the tsunami. Sucks to suck! Anyways, back to the elephant in the room. The tsunami Blunts had caused did not dissuade him from pursuing Lean-Mr. Krabs' pollution. You know what they say, all toasters toast toast one man's careless insane decision is another man's light afternoon snack. Fish nearby in the water scattered all around, confused on whether to swim away from the Lean or swim away from Blunts. Some fish simply swam into the 4th dimension to avoid him. Blunts swam and swam and swam until he reached the body of water that had became polluted. It very quickly turned into one video of the guy trying to drink all the water out of the ocean, except in this case that literally happened. However, by some strange circumstance that may be caused by how Lean affects water, water levels really didn't change that much from such a chaotic happenstance, and the wider world was unbeknownst to this happening at all. If a crazy fat guy with a heart of purple causes a tsunami and nobody is around to see it, does anyone give a damn?
List of Names You Could Call Him[]

Dave Blunts utilising telekinetic powers to control Lean in the air; it is so realistic that nobody can figure out if it is CGI or not
- Tubby
- Fatty
- Adopted Fatty
- Fatty Fatty No Parents
- Fatso
- Fatty McFatFat
- Fatman
- Bigbacked
- Captain Chunk
- Oh hell nah! (Level 6 on Gabriel Iglesias' levels of fatness)
- Biggie Smalls Wannabe
- Bean Bag (I've already called him that in this article... twice!)
- Big Chungus
- Mr. Boombastic
- Avatar: The Last Chairbender
- Lay-Z
- Meal Team Six
- (REDACTED, NAME TOO LARGE TO SEND)
- Cobra Pie
- Johnny "Depp it in ranch"
- Taylor "not exactly" Swift
- The reason they invented double doors
- Freddy Kroger
- EggsEggsEggs Tentacion
- Honey Bun Jovi
- Monty Piethon and the Holy Snack Trail
- IShowFatness
- Donutello
- Eater of Worlds
- Maroon Fries
- Chunky Monkey
- Mariah Hard-To-Carey
- Old MacDonald's
- YNW Belly
Okay, I think that's enough of that, right guys?
Quotes[]
"FUNNY DUCK"
—Dave Blunts, before hurling Captain Duckypants through the air
"I can't put down the cup!"
—Dave Blunts rapping about his admiration towards Lean
Trivia[]
- If placed near CaseOh, with both of them being at the fullest extent of their fatness, a cataclysmic event would occur where their sheer mass would form a black hole. Various evil guys, villains and evil-doers have plotted to use this to their advantage to cause the destruction of the UnWorld. However, the difficulty comes with getting either of them to get off their lazy butts and go anywhere to unite.
- He once had a minor disagreement with Snoop Dogg who made a rude, but let's be real here, honest remark about his weight. However, Snoop apologised later. It seems like Blunts isn't thick-skinned after all.