There's no chicken like fried chicken!
—Colonel Sanders
There's no fried chicken like Kentucky Fried Chicken!
—Colonel Sanders
There's no Kentucky Fried Chicken like taking a chicken, and burning it alive until THERE'S NOTHING LEFT!!! Is that going too far?
—Colonel Sanders
Colonel Harland David Sanders was a colonel in the UnAmerican army and the head of the Kentucky Fried Chicken regiment. He is currently considered to be the most UGLY successful man to ever start a fast food restaurant that doubled as a military regiment. He is also a war hero of the Burger War, despite having nothing to do with it.
History
Early Life
Colonel Sanders was born all the way back in the 1800s (making him extra old). He grew up with his evil stepmother and stepsisters. After taking ten minutes of cruel abuse, he ran off to find a new home. Harland Sanders was going on an adventure, never to return! He even packed a day's worth of food, just in case he didn't make it time for supper.
Three years later (being three years old), Sanders decided to call it quits. That's when the whole UnWorld exploded, killing Everybody. Not really, but wouldn't that be AWESOME?! Anyways, Sanders kept journeying, wondering if he would ever find a place to call home. He was just walking in circles around his old home, but Nobody told him that. That's when he met Gordon Ramsay's wife
Life as a Cook
Sanders started training under Gordan right away. Right away wasn't fast enough, so Gordon started cussing out Sanders. Sanders agreed to obey, and smacked Gordon with a frying pan. Gordon thought that was funny (being so thickheaded, he didn't feel a thing), and decided to teach Sanders the secrets of being a famous celebrity chef.
Sanders spent the next twelve years learning how to cook and swear. He eventually became the second best potty-mouth chef ever, beat only by Gordon himself. Sanders realized Gordon was holding him back, and challenged him to a Yu-Gi-Oh duel. While Gordon was asking "WHAT THE **** IS A **** YUEGEEOH DUEL, YOU **** ****?!", Sanders summoned Dark Magician and beat Gordon to a pulp. Sanders was crowned king of potty-mouthed duelist chefs.
Sanders went on to host three cooking TV shows about dueling and swearing, airing at midnight, 2 am, and 26 am respectively. He got a huge ego boost after a whole 7 people watched his shows (8 of which were relatives). Sanders was so proud of himself, he started a parade in his honor. Then Elmo walked up and kicked Sanders in the crotch. Since the parade was being aired on live television, Everybody saw this. His shows were cancelled and he was reduced to nothing.
Military Service
Sanders was on the streets. He had nothing left. Then he saw an ad in the paper (they had newspapers back then) for Hitler's Nazi army. Germany had never really recovered from the War of 1812, and they needed more guys to act as cannon fodder. Sanders decided "Why not?", and signed right up.
Sanders found home in the Nazi army. He had real friends. He had a real life. He even had a gun to call his. Sanders never actually fought in any battles, but was very popular in his squad for his cooking skill. He was so popular, Hitler paid him a personal visit to taste the food for himself. Sanders met Hitler, and even shook hands with him.
Sanders was in the Nazi army for three years when suddenly, God appeared in front of him. God gave him the following message: "Suck it, Nazi!" Sanders had no clue how to react, other than peeing his pants. Afterwards, he realized God wanted him to act, and act he did. He shot lotsa Nazis and joined an UnAmerican special operations program dedicated to bringing down the Nazis.
Sanders was given the rank of "Colonel" and an entire battalion of a thousand soldiers under his command (neither of which he deserved). Sanders was also given the right to name his battalion and use them for whatever he wanted, no matter how stupid their purpose was. He decided to name them the "Happy Singing Go Go Team of Pure Awesome and a Half".
HSGGToPAaaH
Colonel Sanders turned his in-laws battalion into a thousand of the most miserable singing soldiers ever. They even did a tour around the country to inspire morale. Many of the soldiers did not survive (mostly because the songs were that bad), but Sanders told them to grow up and keep going. The HSGGToPAaaH was an official battalion for nearly a hundred years, and 3 seconds.
During World War 2, Hitler had started another war. Realizing that his ultimate goal (death of all Nazis) was near, he sent the entire HSGGToPAaaH into Germany to fight! Only 100 of the original thousand came back alive. Sanders realized now that singing would not kill Nazis that easily. That's when Captain America joined the HSGGToPAaah.
Captain America wanted to start beating the crap out of Nazis, but Sanders said no. Instead, Captain America was going to run around in a geeky outfit pretending to give two craps about the "financial situation" of the war... while singing. Captain America swore to one day kill Sanders, but he did as he was told.
After two more years of touring, Sanders realized enough was enough. He put an end to the HSGGToPAaaH altogether when Captain America left. Sanders reformed the remaining 12 soldiers into the Kentucky Fried Chicken Regiment, a bunch of guys who made fried chicken to stop the Nazis.
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Main Article: Kentucky Fried Chicken
During World War II, Colonel Sanders tried to colonize the United States but failed. So he gave up being a colonel of the army of United States of UnAmerica and opened his own restaurant. Since he liked eating chicken, it sells mostly chicken. Hitler really liked KFC, and made a ripoff called Hitler's Fried Chicken, however that was so unsuccessful and flopped so instantly it's not even deserving of a red link.
Death
YOU MADE ME SING, DAMMIT! I AM CAPTAIN AMERICA! THE CAPTAIN AMERICA! YOU THINK YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND MAKE THE FIRST AVENGER SING? WELL YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, YOU CHICKEN MAN! CAPTAIN AMERICA IS THE BEST SUPER HERO EVER! YOU ARE JUST A LOUSY FAST FOOD SALESMEN! Oh, wait... I already shot you. You don't hear a word I'm saying. Come on, Cappy! We've already agreed we're done talking to dead guys! Don't you give me that look!
—Captain America, right after killing Sanders.
Colonel Sanders had lived a successful life. He had a happy family, a successful company, and had even served God by killing Nazis. Colonel Sanders was an old man, with a life fulfilled. Then Captain America came up and shot him in the head. Because he said so. Dr. Robotnik became his successor.
Physical Appearance
Colonel Sanders was an old wrinkly man with gray hair and wrinkles. He had a little wispy beard to compliment all of his wrinkles. He had an abnormally large face filled with wrinkles, and wrinkles within his wrinkles. He was known as the "man of many faces", despite having only one face. The only thing notable about his appearance (especially considering his age), was the surprising lack of wrinkles. It is suspected he had plastic surgery or something.
Powers and Abilities
There are rumors that Colonel Sanders is an all-powerful god that will vanquish any mortal who crosses him. These rumors are true. If you're insane, that is. If you retain your sanity, you know Sanders is not a god in any way. He does have one superpower, however. While fighting Nazis, he was hit by a radioactive beam that gave him the ability to shoot snot out of his mouth. He chooses to use this power for good, despite the fact that there's really nothing you can do with it besides gross people out. He can also make fried chicken, in case you haven't already figured that out.
Trivia
Sanders as a statue.
- Sanders was once turned into a statue due to evil Nazi magic. He was turned back thanks to a combination of unicorn poop and Chocolate.
- Sanders was arrested for making the HSGGToPAaaH sing The Elmo Song, which was a punishable offense at the time. They let Sanders out of prison because he asked really nicely and said please.
- Colonel Sanders was rumored to have stolen several million UnDollars worth of paintings, and thrown them in a fire just to be a troll. This was confirmed on the account that Wario said so.
- Colonel Sanders was demoted to Lieutenant Sanders, but it just didn't have the same ring to it. Sanders sued the United States Army, and they gave him his old rank back. The reason he was demoted? He made his commanding officer a sandwich with too much mustard.
- Ever since shaking hands with Adolf Hitler, Sanders has used three gallons of hand sanitizer a day in hopes of ridding himself of so-called "Nazi cooties".
- [1]
- ↑ Girl With Tiny Body