Here I am, dying for some CHEWY CHEWS, and I can't open the tin!
—Cranky Kong
Cranky Kong, proud #1 Chewy Chews customer.
Whereas Cookies are your grandma's favorite food, Chewy Chews is your grandpappy's favorite food. The stuff is a granola snack inside a tin container that usually is very difficult to be opened. Most definitely, Chewy Chews are kinda a niche snack outside of the cults of old farts. Still gets enough sales to still be on the market, however. Chewy Chews are made by The Barnacle Products Incorporated. And the granola doesn't make a mess! (Lookin' at you, Nature Valley Bars!)
Cranky Kong shows his grandkids the Chewy Chews factory.
The Chewy Chews were first made in 1897, when there weren't many chewy foods for Old People, so they scrounged the UnWorld for the soft, chewy stuff. All that was found was mushy granola. They decided to make do with this, as UnDanger Machines are common household appliances and are even used in Chewy Chews production so that all of them are safe.
Eventually, Mr. Barnacle decided to buy the Chewy Chews property without even telling the Old People about it in 1994. Alas, the geezers were happy that they just got 60,000 UnDollars for free, though 87% of it was spent on a new factory.
The new factory opened up on Donkey Kong Country, and attracted a big hairy ape named Cranky Kong with the fresh smell of smog. He was tired of Bananas, unlike every other monkey in the UnHyperverse, so he went to buy some. This fueled Cranky's granola addiction.
Types[]
Since Chewy Chews are now extremely successful, many different types and flavors were made, as listed in chronological order:
- Reduced Fat (1897)
- Water Chestnut (1897)
- Jalapeño Pepper (labeled as: SPICY!) (1897)
- Habanero Pepper (labeled as: VERY SPICY!!) (1897)
- Sugar Cane (1897)
- Plain (Nothing) (1900)
- Straight Sugar (1901)
- Strange White Powder (1904)
- Honey (1926)
- Fruit Punch (1940, very popular during World War 2)
- Cookie (1965)
- Mango (1966)
- Scooby Snacks (1969)
- Harvest Cheddar (1978)
- Sharp Cheddar (1978)
- Roast Beef (1978)
- White Cheddar (1978)
- Banana (1981)
- Beer (1989)
- Rock Candy (1999)
- Kilobyte (2000)
- Starchy Tuber (2005)
- Berry (2007)
- Pop Rocks (2009)
- Ez-Open tin (2010)
- Lemon-Lime (2011)
- Avocado (2017)
- Cum (2019)
- Mountain-Dew (2019)
- Lime (2020)
- Grape (2020)
- Blue Raspberry (2021)
- Lemon (2022)
- Orange (2023)
- Coke (2023)
- Egg (2024)
- Ghost Pepper (Labelled as WARNING, THIS FLAVOR IS MUCH SPICIER THAN THE JALAPEÑO, 2025)
- Mixed Berry (2026)
- Lime-Kiwi enhanced Vitamin-C (Labelled as for fat fucks with Vitamin C deficiency, 2027)
- Poo (planned, but never released)
Seasonal Varieties[]
- Sugar Plum (Christmas, 1897-1997, 2007-2017, etc)
- Dark Chocolate (Halloween 1899-2009, 2008-2019, etc)
- Jellybean (Easter, 1901-2012, 2015-2021, etc)
- Turkey (Thanksgiving, 1920-2013, etc)
- Green Apple (Back to School, 1950)
- Shamrock Special (Mint Flavor) (St. Patrick's Day, 1999-2018)
- Cake (New Years Eve, 1999-2000, 2020-2021, etc)
- Milk Chocolate (Valentine's Day, 2000)
- Bone Hurting Juice (April Fools, 2000)
- Taco (Cinco de Mayo, 2000)
- Hamburger (4th of July, 2001)
- Noodles (Lunar New Year, 2002)
- Pineapple (August, 2004)
- Captain 0's Special Recipe (Made up of Awesome Sauce, Plum, and Passion Fruit) (Promotion of UnAnything: The Series, goes on sale after every season premiere since 2019)
- Gay Salt (Pride Month, 2019-present)