CheapoLand is a... well, cheap theme park located in a vague location that’s close enough for a two-hour walk to Didneyland's California park and back, but so far from Hollywood that it takes four weeks to drive there. According to the CheapoLand CEO Mister McCheapo, CheapoLand's mission is to "provide families on a budget with an experience that feels like Didneyland if it was poured on with tomato sauce"; the park opened sometime between 1960 and 1962, but somehow not 1961.
History[]
CheapoLand was founded by an Arkansas resident named Mister McCheapo, who was inspired to make a theme park of his own after going to Didneyland as an attempt to vacate following a messy divorce. He found the theme park to be so utterly "disgusting" that, following his ban from the park, he was inspired to build his own. Of course, he was not able to build the park entirely by his lonesome, so he assembled a "Cheapo Construction Crew" to build a cheapo theme park with cheapo rides, cheapo food, and so much stuff with the word "cheapo" stuck onto them, it wouldn't even sound like a word anymore! (Ironically enough, "cheapo" is, regrettably, not a word.)
Sometime in the early 60's, CheapoLand's grand opening commenced, complete with McCheapo himself putting all his pictures of... uh, suggestive versions of famous cartoon characters in a time capsule that was originally planned to open on the day of the heat death of the universe, but would eventually be destroyed with a baseball bat by Bender on March 12, 3028, as an act of revenge on account of him no longer being allowed to ride "The Destructinator".
On April 12, 1979, CheapoLand Industries Inc. made history when it became the first company to openly support disco hatred; this caused a $464 billion loss which nearly plunged the company into bankruptcy, until a time-travelling David Zaslav struck a deal to acquire half of the company, ultimately assuming control of the company altogether. This partnership would be short-lived, however, as he was fired upon the discovery (heh) that he was secretly burning walkaround costumes in an effort to save money; whether or not he had good intentions is up for debate to this very day. Following David's firing, McCheapo hired a man named "Mister Laff" to be the park's new CEO; it would eventually be revealed that Mister Laff was just one of several men who McCheapo has asked to pretend to be his CEO. (Another is "Poncho", but McCheapo claims to be too cheap to build a proper office for him.)
On September 27, 1981, in an effort to promote its parks and restore its good reputation following David's wacky shenanigans, CheapoLand introduced what would later become its mascot, Screwy McMoose, whom Mister McCheapo claims was inspired by previous CheapoLand "CEOs", including himself.
Attractions[]
CheapoLand's signature roller coaster is called "The Destructinator", in which patrons get swung backwards into three loops which ultimately culminate in them getting burnt alive. CheapoLand is also famous for its former mascot Screwy McMoose, a happy-go-lucky moose who was notable for being one of the very few walkaround mascots that could actually talk (talking mascots were actually pretty commonplace until the Great Mascot Purge of '93). He was ultimately sacrificed on August 11, 2018, following TMZ's (later debunked) rumors that he stole the identity of one Bullwinkle Jay Moose.
Screwy McMoose's death was one of many major events that made the front page of the Los Angeles Times that day, and became a major turning point in the fortunes of the park. Despite his death, the parks remained in business for nearly two weeks, earning its owner many billions of dollars while Screwy continued to promote the park through an endless line of poorly written messages on his grave, such as "If You Don't Go To Cheapo's, You'll Feel As Dead Inside As I Am" and "I've Grown As Thick As A Cauliflower, And The Last Thing I Need Is Another Trip To Didneyland".
In the summer of '17, the park was briefly purchased by the McDonald brothers of McDonald's fame, who promptly destroyed it, burned its walkaround mascots, and replaced it with a McDonald's theme park named "McDonaldland". CheapoLand was subsequently rescued from bankruptcy by a three-eyed monkey named Paul, who now only owns 3% of the business, 1% for each eye he has. The park is also famous for "Mister Laff's Funhouse", which is rumored to be haunted, and for a series of cheap and somewhat uncomfortable (and possibly dangerous) rides with the word "cheapo" written on them, including the "Cheapo Go-Kart", "Cheapo Motorcycle", and "Cheapo Scramble", all of which have been brutally condemned by the Obligatory All-American Theme Park Safety Watchdog Group of DOOM!.
The park is also well known for featuring extremely underpaid "waitstaff" who make as little as $40 per week, often being the victims of a "minimum-wage wage increase" enacted by the LA city council in May of 2019. One of these employees is Dippy Dave, who has allegedly been working at CheapoLand since 1996. One of Dippy Dave's most memorable quotes was "Did you have fun at CheapoLand?" while referring to a patron who just lost his wallet. CheapoLand's absurd business practices resulted in the Great Cheapo Strike of '92, which in turn resulted in 300 deaths and over 2,000 non-fatal injuries.
Food[]
CheapoLand's food is often described as food that has been used by people of lesser means and then tossed into the trash. This includes their signature dishes "Cheapo Frito Pie" and "Cheapo Chili". The park also has the "Cheapo Burger", which is made out of the cheapest ground meat available. One notable exception is that the "Cheapo Grilled Cheese" is not made of ground meat, but rather the bread of the famous McDonald's sandwich. In addition, the park serves the "Cheapo Pasta", which tastes exactly like the dish one would get at a drive-through.
CheapoLand's dessert is called "Cheapo Pie". The park has also been known to make the entire menu out of leftovers, known as the "So Cheapo Even WE Can't Afford It! Menu"; the menu has since been discontinued due to increasing pressure from the Obligatory All-American Theme Park Safety Watchdog Group of DOOM! and the Central Intelligence Agency. CheapoLand primarily uses charcoal grills for its hamburgers, a move which has been strongly condemned by Hank Hill, a propane salesman who claims that CheapoLand is an "evil organization dedicated to using charcoal grills, which are bad only because [he sells] propane".
See also[]
- Didneyland, CheapoLand's biggest competitor.