UnAnything Wiki

Oh- sorry. Slight interruption there, heh. Anyways, UnAnything has a Discord! Check us out!


UnAnything Wiki
UnAnything Wiki
" *sniff* *sniff* MY GRANDFATHER!! HE DIED 9 YEARS AGO!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!!!! "
  —Captain 9. He still doesn't know Grandfather Joe never existed..
Captain 9
Captain 9.png
I feel REALLY bad for him to be honest...
Gender: yes..?
Hair color: none
Eye color: yellow
Age: 36
UnBirthday: June 16, 1985
Species: Number Captain
Home: Earth, specifically the South of UnAmerica
Alive or Dead?: Alive
Death: one time he drowned in his tears. he was revived though.
Likes: Not being sad
Dislikes: Baby Sun
Education: Cooking School.. I think.
Occupation: Official Crybaby, part of management of the Legion of Captains
Known For: Being a crybaby
Alignment: Neutral
UnRank: 32

Captain 9 is a Number Captain that is part of the management of the Legion of Captains. He is, however, known for being an official crybaby due to the fact that he cries EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This means he never gets any work done, and his crying is so infamous a business was erected called "Pay to See Captain 9 Cry" where you pay 4.99 to see him cry. It reels in 1,000,000 a year, and is a pillar for the Legion of Captains even being funded AT ALL (since it is a private business).


Captain 9's life is very lengthy; especially for an Official Crybaby. He had a very sad life and couldn't help but to let out all his infinite sadness.

Captain 9 is 36 years old as of writing this, so this means he was born in 1985. To be exact, he was born 3:42 PM UnTime on June 16th, 1985 to unknown people. But what we do know about his birth is that he cried a LOT when he was born, so much so they needed 14,000 gallons of baby food to nurture him. In fact, the only thing we know about Captain 9's parents is that they died when he was five. This was the first major pillar for his sadness. Since his parents were dead, his grandparents took him in, and they abused him so much

When he was 7, he got a very old SNES from 1789 and had so much fun playing it. One day, his grandparents were so drunk they accidentally broke his SNES while he was playing Super Mario World. This was the second pillar for his sadness. Around this time, his schizophrenia began to rise Grandfather Joe came to help..

By that, I mean that Grandfather Joe was about to ferment in Captain 9's mind come to Captain 9's home. The schizophrenia was starting because of loneliness and family bullying. He came since no one would be friends with him, and at home it was even more violent with his grandparents fighting each other over if they should put Captain 9 up for adoption.

What Grandfather Joe COULD have looked like.

Grandfather Joe was like a father figure to him; he was there for 2 quarters of his life. He would help him with homework, sing wacky songs to him, and tell him COOL stories. All seemed fine, except for one problem:

Grandfather Joe was never real.,.

It turns out Grandfather Joe never existed. He was just a part of 9's vast imagination and the schizophrenia combined. And for all his life up until 2012, Captain 9 "introduced" Joe to all his friends, who never believed him because Grandpa Joe was never there.

And so Captain 9 grew up; in 2010 he heard of a job exactly for him, to manage the new shiny Legion of Captains founded by none other than Captain 0. Grandpa Joe encouraged him to follow his dreams, and so he did. The interviewer was really weirded out by Captain 9; however he would be unemployed without the job so he was accepted into management of The Legion of Captains.

It was around this time that in early 2011 that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was shocked that his father figure and friend Grandpa Joe never existed at all. He refused to take his medication, stating (while crying) that creativity was never going to limit him with his schizophrenia.

However, it was in 2012 that his wife Captain 11 decided to finally put an end to his madness; and so she staged Grandpa Joe's death by a car crash and force fed him medication every night while he was sleeping. Captain 9 wept every night, for his friend and father figure Joe was dead. This was the third pillar for his sadness.

In 2015, other management noticed that Captain 9 never got any work done and just cried. For some freakin' reason they decided to make a business out of it, and so they created "Pay to See Captain 9 Cry", where you pay 4.99 to see Captain 9 cry for 1 hour, and then have to make another payment. You can also make a monthly payment of 149.70 for an unlimited amount of time to see cries for one month.

The business was and still is very profitable; it reels in 1,000,000 dollars every year and largely funds the Legion of Captain's payments (because Captain 0 doesn't wanna spend money). If the business ever went out, the Legion of Captains surely would go out of business... or would it?? I don't know, you tell me!