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UnAnything Wiki

Canada Goose
They are here. Run.jpg
A goose, captured from a distance. Photographer missing, presumed dead.
Scientific name: Branta canadensis
Hair color: Black, beige, white and brown feathers
Eye color: Pure evil
Habitat: Canada, USU, Mexico, Maritime Europe, New Zealand, Soviet Russia
Natural range: Tim Horton's fortress
Time alive: ??? - present
Edible? According to rumours, yes
Tastes like: Pure evil and goose
Preys on: Children, imaginary friends, fear, stale bread
Is preyed upon by: Juzo Inui
Intelligence: No-?
Conservation status: No concern whatsoever
Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Dear god. Why do I have to do this?

Canada Geese are the most evil creatures on the entire planet. They're worse than scorpions, spiders, wasps, those damn centipedes you find in your room that look like Cthulhu's bowel movements, hell, even Emus. Emus PISS themselves in the presence of geese. I'm not even exaggerating, either, the geese's evil energy literally causes them to involuntarily urinate on the spot. They are pure evil. A single goose is as evil as WaWaWaWaTinky-Winky, and a single flock can drive a hysteria-induced evacuation of entire towns. This isn't even accounting for the Head Honkos or Giga-Geese, let alone [REDACTED].


Four score and seven years ago In Ancient Canada, in what is now the city of Toronto, Ontario, Tim Horton realized he needed security for his fortress. Therefore, he contacted his evil brother Acererak Horton, a patron of the dark arts (and the Furry arts as well) to make a security force. Acererak made a deal with Bob Saget's son Asmodeus, famous for his main role in Cuphead, as well as fix the problem with the ever-present rudeness of Canadians. However, Asmodeus tricked Acererak: once every 100 years, a single Canadian would be born truly evil. This lines up nicely with the existence of Justin Beaver, lending credence to the theory. In addition, the hatred of the Canadians living at the time would be concentrated into a single race, now known as geese.

Emerging in a 1,000-meter-tall whirlwind of waterfowl nearly a quarter-mile wide at its base, the geese were unleashed in an area of Southwestern Ontario would later be colonized by Sparta as Όουεν Στενό, where the largest bastion of geese remains to this day.

Louie.png Louie's Notes

If you squint, zoom in with binoculars and are a registered emu fucker-upper, you can cook it like a normal goose. Voice cracking is a side effect and is to be expected: this is the goose trying to destroy your social life and self-esteem.