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A Bandit Machine inside of a Bandit Base.

A Bandit Machine is a machine used by Bandits and non-bandits alike to make a non-Bandit into a Bandit. I.M. Meen REALLY doesn't like Bandit Machines. Bandit Machines look like MRI Machines, but have "Bandit Machine" on the side and snazzy zig-zag lines.


I stole this image from the UnUniverse Office of Naval Intelligence. As you can see, they slapped their watermark on this image, and censored both of the faces. The person in the machine became a Bandit.

For the transformation of a Non-Bandit to a Bandit, read the "Child-to-Bandit Transformation Process" part of This Article. (it applies to all non-bandits, but I used children as an example.) It is really easy to use, with a button on the outside, and one inside the chamber, deactivated during use. There is also a touchscreen with options.

Use by UnONI

The UnUniverse Office of Naval Intelligence (like ONI from the irl Halo games) are very secretive, and stuff happens. They wanted to mass produce guys Master Chief, but he sued, and so did Sparta, because UnONI wanted to call it the "Spartan Program". They tried boondoggling with Bandit Machines, and tried kidnapping children, and cloning them because they are derivative. Their modifications failed, and the new Bandits stole their stuff, including their Spartan Lasers. The took the Spartan Lasers to Bowser, and from then on all Koopa Clowns had Spartan Lasers built in. This information was Declassified by ███████████████. (their name was censored by UnONI, this link is to Halopedia article about ONI, will help you understand the inspiration for UnONI. Halopedia Link)

What NOT to get confused with

Bandit Machines should NOT be confused with these things:

Means of obtaining

Some IKEA stores sell them, and Bandit Machines are useful against IKEA workers. They are also sold at literally every store ever. They are sold in build-it-yourself kits.


A Bandit Machine built from a store-bought kit.

Shy Guy-ify

Turns whoever inside into a Shy Guy.


Turns whoever inside into a Bandit.


Turns whoever inside back into whatever creature they were before, restoring their non Bandit/Shy Guy memories.

Transformation Customization

Options to customize transformation

Robe Color

Choose a color for your robe.


Keeps memory, personality, IQ, and intelligence. DOES NOT HELP IF YOU ARE STUPID!!!!!


Customize the Bandit/Shy Guy brain. Includes stuff like Personality, Name, etc.


Makes a clone of the user, but as a Shy Guy or a Bandit.

Reasons why Ignatius Mortimer Meen dislikes this

  • Bandits steal his books for the Interspecies Book Club.
  • He doesn't like that it looks like an MRI Machine.
  • He thinks it also looks like a toilet.
  • He thought it was a portal to his labyrinth.
  • He doesn't like Clever Goody-Goodies becoming a Bandit to escape.