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By order of the Phalanx, As You may or may not be aware, Nemesis is closing, due to her abnormal behavior. Today, as our investigation begin, we can assure you we have our most experienced team involved. Nemesis is a complex beast, and it's in our interest to protect her wellbeing. I'm Sure you'll join me in remembering what's been an iconic presence in many of our lives. For now though, We must say 'Goodnight, Nemesis'. We'll be taking no further questions.
—The Phalanx, when Nemesis closed on November 6th, 2022.
ALTON TOWERS is a random theme park in the middle of the UnUnited Kingdom. It was made in 1980, but the towers themselves were built OVER 9000 years ago. They have a whole bunch of rides, all of which pale in comparison to those at Squadala Land, and the entire Unworld knows about them, because they broke world records. CBeebies own part of this theme park, which they aptly named 'Cbeebies land', which they took ownage of in 2014. it was previously called 'Storybook land', but Cbeebies kicked those storybook guys out in 2014 and took ownage of the place. The park is a Restricted Airspace, meaning no planes fly over this place, and any planes flying over will Implode. They constantly blast In the hall of the mountain king outta huge speakers, because they really like the tune, and it eventually gets Annoying when You are here for a while, so you will go get the park to shut up.The park opened in 1980 with the Corkscrew roller coaster, and was immediately praised by the public for being a better than good theme park in England. Since then, Alton Towers has had a multitude of various rides ranging from the tame and meek to zOMFG, to appeal to all ages,because Bob the Builder likes accidents happening, like that he caused on 2/6/2015.
If anybody in park is found to dislike everything and anything in park, proclaiming somewhere like Thorpe Park is better, then they are told to ride oblivion in its reverse mode and their relatives/friends/co-workers minds are erased of their existence. This is the reason why chavs are currently in the 'Threatened: Vulnerable' category of the Conservation status. John Wardley has designed most of Alton Towers's rides, including
First of all, there is CBeebies land, Obviously, which is owned by Cbeebies themselves. It was previously called Storybook land, but Cbeebies kicked them outta there in 2014, and called it Cbeebies Land. While some of the rides were rethemed, some were replaced with others and some were completely new. In 2015, the Octonauts built a roller coaster there, and in 2017, the Go jetters (THOSE GUYS SUCK) built their own ride there.
Oblivion: a ride which makes Anybody riding it look down, even though it says not to, before having anyone riding speed down a hole and come outta the other side. They say it's the first vertical 87 degree drop, and The Lord of Darkness's attempts to cheer Everybody who ride it up are not so good. It was designed by God, and in 2015, the Lord of Light was fired because he asked if it was safe, and why it was called Oblivion,which didn't fit Bob the Builder's standards when he crashed the rides on 2/6/2015. The lord of light now works for The Phalanx, and he is currently checking Nemesis Sub Terra to make sure it can re open.People hated it when it was sponsored by Fanta, which prompted the sponsoring to end, which is why they yelled 'FANTA SUCKS!' on the ride in that time, and should I mention, there is a ripoff of it somewhere?
Oblivion in the time it was sponsored by Fanta.
Nemesis: Just a hanging roller coaster during the construction of which, the builders found some kinda creature which the Center for Chaos Containment captured. In 2022, It was announced that it was gonna close, and on November 6th, 2022, it closed, and The Phalanx announced it closed. Suffice to say, i wasn't there to see it, so until 2024 when it reopens, Go ride Nemesis Inferno at Thorpe Park. People use their drones, Helicopters, and Zeppelins over the site, and who knows where the track is gonna go.
Galactica: A B&M Flying coaster which is the world's first brutalist themed roller coaster. It has more Downtime of stealth, and To many first time guests, this is the most terrifying part of the ride. As you take your seat, the car rocks slightly. This can cause injury to certain male body parts.... although it's not as bad as a Topscan. Once seated, the restraints can be closed. A tight fitting rubber vest clamps itself over your chest in an unnervingly kinky fashion. At the same time, hidden mechanical hands grab your ankles. "Hey, just what kind of ride is this?" is a common quote at this point. Several things then quickly happen:
The floor drops from under your feet.
A husky female voice demands that you "Assume the position!" The correct response here is "Yes mistress!". Or, depending what you're into, "Woof!"
You are then tilted forwards, your bum high in the air, as if waiting for a spanking. The trains then dispatch into an underground car park. If you are lucky, you may see one of the native mops that have colonised the tunnel. They are a protected species, but seem to live happily beside the track. The trains continue to the lift hill, all the time giving wonderful views of both cement AND puddles! The lift hill is known for stopping randomly. It is not unknown to stop two or three times before you reach the top of the hill. But if you make it that far, then you are one of the lucky few who managed to ride Air. The bizarre ride position of Air means that as you go down the first drop, your head is lower than your bum. This feels wrong on many levels... But then, most of Air feels wrong. The track swoops over the path in classic John Wardley style, then twists so that riders are lying on their backs, facing the sky, travelling backwards. Even on a cloudy day, the human iris cannot move fast enough to cope with the change in light levels. Many people have been permanently blinded by this. You have been warned! After a few seconds of visual agony, you are turned the right wrong way up again, and pass through a small tunnel. All this time, the juxtaposition of plants and concrete is perfect. One second you are brushing your fingers through the grass, the next you are scraping your knuckles across rough cement. The track swoops upward into a 360' twist, another potential eye-wrecker. For a finale, the trains dip down, and up into a car-park-fly-by! The views are spectacular, and on a busy day, car-spotters will be thrilled. (until SW9 will be built there) One last curve brings you to the break run, where you can experience the curious sensation of being thrown head first into the bare feet of the chav in front of you. It is usual to wait at least 16 minutes on the break run before returning to the station. This is due to a breakdown, and nothing to worry about. Here we find that the plant vs. cement war was won by the concrete. It is usually around this time, when you are staring at the brick paving underneath you, that you start to question the strength of the restraints. Rest assured that if your rubber gimp vest fails, your feet will still be secured by the love cuffs, causing you to crash face first into the floor. And maybe break your ankles. Previously called AIR, This ride was later called Galactica in 2016, and Merlin came in Armed with VR Headsets, and put them on the ride. Chris Hadfield went on this thing, and what most people don't know is that the rides's Portal actually is a portal. Only John Wardley and Lord of Darkness know this, and They like messing around with this thing to take them to many places in the UnOmniverse. As the poor graphics quality and appalling throughputs overcame the flying coaster Air, Galactica rose from the ashes. People complained for about 2 years until 2019 when they finally got the message and removed the cheap mobile high tech headsets entirely, although the Air theming would not return, but You never know. But this is very rare. Trains often arrive at the opposite station to the one they departed from, causing no end of confusion to riders. The exit path introduces us to a new theme, even mightier than concrete... Steel! The stairs deposit riders into a local store, held in a temporal-loop for the benefit of Alton Towers guests.
The Smiler: Some roller coaster owned by the Ministry of joy that tries to make it's riders smile by using different methods like Flashing lights and laughing gas. During the off-season in 2022, they dismantled it and took it to a random place in the country, only to bring it back a few months later. It has been known for a few incidents, which resulted in some of the park's rides closing. The biggest incident happened on June 2nd, 2015, and it was caused by Bob the Builder, which left a couple guys DEAD and severely injured. Some guys have denied the accident happened for some reason, and no one knows why they are denying it.
Former rides[]
Barney, BJ and Baby Bop performing their stoopid show at Alton Towers. (2000)
Barney's Theatre: After their (surprisingly) successful UK tour, Barney, BJ and Baby Bop from that infamous TV show later performed from their own stoopid theatre in the park, until their time got crushed down by the Tweenies and later (of course...) Bob the Builder.
The only known picture of Bob The Builder's ride. There is no known on ride POV of the ride, or any queueline POVs, so this ride has a pretty obscure history. Still, U cannot tell that a roller coaster used to be here, which is very impressive.
Bob the Builder's Ride: A very very very very intense roller coaster that was built in 2003 since Bob the Builder wanted to outdo John Wardley. If you go in here without some random key, you will just get forced to see a random show invloving Bob. If you find a secret keyhole, use it to open a secret door, and that will take you to a 5 mile-long Queueline, which then takes you to the ride. It starts off with a random dark ride section, before going into a launch 5 times faster than that of Formula Rossa at Ferrari World Abu Dhabi, and it goes all the way to a random part of Non-Soviet Russia, then launches all the way back, FACING BACKWARDS. It then stops and shows some random show scenes, and then turns round, and launches again all the way back to Alton Towers. It Then goes up an Elevator-style lift, and returns to the station. Not many people have ever rode this thing, and it's most likely because of it's high-intensity. As a result, Bob Unexpectedly closed the ride in 2006, and it was SBNO for two years, and was then relocated to Squadala Land, where it now operates as UnDefeatable. If you still have one of those keys, the secret door and keyhole aren't there anymore, since they were removed when Gansta Granny: The Ride was being built. However, It's rumoured the Queueline, the dark ride scenes and station might still be there, but it's unknown if they are still there or not.
Ripsaw: a Top Spin ride Designed by Bob the Builder, which explains why it's slogan is 'Can You Cut it?'. Ripsaw occasionally manages to spin riders 360' before lowering them into the (currently SBNS - Standing But Not Squirting) fountains. This is also known as a 'detox'. Ripsaw also operates as a secret shower and detergent facility for chavs, who really need drowning cleaning. In 2013, the ride broke down due to the chavs becoming too much for it to handle and so it suspended them mid air to try and correct them. During the course if it's lifetime it's been known to be an active fighter against obesity with punishing larger riders the denial of a ride leading to that individual rider singly disembarking with all of the other riders, staff and a gathering of spectators who'd built up wanting to see the "large" person do the fat walk of shame. At the end of 2015 season, Chavs overpowered security and began dismantling Ripsaw. The implementation of the Towers Loving Care scheme in 2016 meant that all of the staff were too busy building higher fences, so nobody was available to put the ride back together in time for the 2016 opening day. However, to the relief of theme park fans everywhere, a highly acclaimed new ride was placed in Ripsaw's place, the now-iconic Forbidden Sweep. It runs a number of preset sequences. The ride has nine in total, but some of them are not used with guests for various reasons. To avoid feeling left out during TSTF discussions about Ripsaw, here's a quick guide to the key programmes:
9 - The legendary 'banned setting', reportedly too intense for use with guests. This fabled setting is the holy grail amongst Ripsaw fans. 25 minutes of continuous flyovers. You will spin me right round baby right round too much that U will get too dizzy and Asplode.
8 - Features backwards and forwards fly-overs, the latter at high speed. Stops half way through and is often mistaken for two unique programmes. Rarely used.
7 - The 'standard' cycle for quiet days. Features two 'locked' inversions, one flip and a fly-over towards the end.
6 - A shorter version of 7. Only has 1 'locked' inversion and with less faffing at the start and after the flip. Used with moderate queues
5 - An even shorter version of 7, similar to 6 but also removes the fly-over. Arguably the worst cycle in common usage.
4 - The 'standard' cycle for busy days. A short cycle with 4 flips and not much else.
3 - A waste of everyone's time. Like 4, but with only one flip. Not used, except for a couple of years ago when the ride was almost completely broken.
2 - One flyover and one spin. Again not worth it!
1 - One Flyover. Not even worth it!
0 - Broken Down - If you're in the queue, you've just wasted 30 minutes of your life..
Forbidden sweep: a classic example of a overpriced pay-per-use attraction located in Forbidden Valley which was bought from a Total Wipeout auction. The player had to dodge and jump over two rotating beams for a very generous twenty seconds before the operator turned it up to full speed and cleanly knocked the player over the trees and into the garden lake. Following complaints, the Chinese Pagoda was fitted with a net in order to catch the players who then gently slid off directly into an Accurist advert. TS Law dictates that discussion about Forbidden Sweep must at some point include a protracted flat-delivery yell of "FORBIDDEN SWEEEEEEEEEP", as if said by a scenery-chewing gameshow host introducing a popular round.
ALTON TOWERS dismantling the smiler in the off-season of 2022
The Ripoff of Oblivon, which is somewhere in Europe.
What happened after Bob made the smiler crash. Those guys who were involved in the incident totally deserved to be severely injured, and plus, THE PAST DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!
And a couple more rides no one was bothered to list here.
SBNO (standing but not operating)[]
the NST tank outside Duel
Nemesis sub terra, Codenamed 'PA1X', which is an underground roller coaster apparently according to the majority of visitors when it's really just a glorified Raj's Bouncy Bottom Burp (Similar to Thirteen ). Many people think of it as 'da new Nemisis ride' or 'Da 1 dat drops, innit'. The second name is probably better than the current name as it doesn't shame Nemesis into hiding and cutting her own body parts off. When looking for the ride, many guests get confused as all they see is a giant tin shed with some Merlin satellite dishes. This 'theming' is of course Merlin's specialty. To hide the fact that the ride doesn't go underground at all, there are some lifts which definitely do not just rumble and bounce a bit. Kinky stuff. When the ride opened in 2012 (after Nemesis even though some refer to it as a prequel. Towers logic!) many chavs thought that it was 'crap,innit' so Towers management got scared and thought they wouldn't make a glorious profit. This prompted them to shove another shipping container on the end for cheaper scares. Superb work, Alton Towers. Superb. The Phalanx (Not Phallus) is the group in charge of the ride (or facility as they like to call it) and it is their duty to shout in your face. You may occasionally get some spit on you which is another £5 charge for extra 4D effects. Because the name of the group sounds like male genitalia, designers decided that they better make the logo look like that too. The ride literally makes people wet... Still, it might return, and the work that was recently done to it might prove so. Also, the Tank just outside it was driven by the Lord of Darkness down to Duel, And blew the place up.
Upcoming ride (Project Horizon)[]
Some time ago, Alton Towers said they were building a huge warehouse at the back of their park. Unless You have a very tall tripod, you cannot see what it is gonna be, because it is at the back of the park, and they are not going to build a whole new theme park in there, but some new roller coaster. Sounds like another Walking Dead The ride, don't U think?
This article was made to make fun of the accident that happened on 2/6/2015
They cannot built above the trees
If a branch from the chained oak falls, a member of the 15th Earl's Family dies
If the Whole Chained Oak Falls down, the Whole UnWorld explodes.
The Themed areas in this park are actually real, functioning places. This Means that X Sector is actually a top secret HQ, and that Nemesis sub terra is a real facility used by some company to contain dangerous creatures.
